1. Gravity is overrated

I always wanted to be able to dunk, but since I'm white that was impossible. Up here I can jump so high I nearly broke open my skull on the ceiling (or was it the floor?) my first day up here.

2. There are no space people

Or at least I can't find them. It's lonely out here and shit.

3. It's really hard to sleep

I can't stop going to electronic baldman's world for the latest features and big news stories.

4. Dating is nigh impossible

Tinder ain't finding shit up here, folks. How the eff am I supposed to survive?

5. Comcast wasn't that bad

Some days I can barely load a 640 x 480 image, which makes browsing Brazzers really challenging. Cuumblaast isn't so bad after all.

6. UFOs are real

I saw something flash on my way up to the space station. Aliens confirmed.

7. This is a really bad place to have diarrhea

I wish I brought something other than Taco Bell Volcano Burritos up here.

8. The SNES Classic is legit

I modded mine since I was back at electronic baldman's HQ and installed over 40 NES, Genesis, and GameBoy Advance games on it. Yup, including Bitch's favorite, Shinobi 3. That mofo is going to be really excited when he finds out.

9. The earth is round

Some might call it a globe or whatever. It's definitely round, though. This should be obvious but some dingbats down there still think it's flat.

10. Electronic baldman's world is a lifestyle

Every time I stare out into the vacuum of space I see glimpses of Ronald Reagan, Dildozer, Mizuka, Vagabondie, DieDieDie, Bitch, Riverboat, Pepper Peanut, WeAintLyin, Cofagcity, mecharobzilla, and SexyFallenAngel frolicking through a prairie of vivid green grass with no care in the world. I guess we're just meant to be.