I awoke in a cold sweat on the couch.  The voice in my head was already screaming.  I looked around to see where I was.  When I realized it was my house, a brief second of peace washed over me.  The screaming in my head quickly resumed.  I could hear the upstairs shower turn on.  Evidently, my wife hadn't left the night before.  I must have passed out early.  When I heard her climb into the shower, my mad dash to find some booze was on.  I looked in all my usual hiding spots.  No bottles.  I went to the garage and looked.  I found an almost empty bottle of vodka. There were maybe three shots left.  Another brief second of peace came as the warm vodka ran down into my empty stomach.  The screaming resumed.

            I ventured up to the bathroom and started brushing my teeth.  My wife said nothing.  I went to my sons room and started waking him up.  He was grumpy and my patients were non-existent.  I began raising my voice for him to get up.  My wife came in and said, Go get in the shower.  I'll take care of him.  I didn't argue.  I went and got in the shower and put the water on as hot as it would go.  I then sat down in the tub with my back against the wall and let the water take away my shaking.  I tried to tell myself that the shaking was due to me being cold.  However, the voice told me it was because the vodka hadn't kicked in yet and that it wasn't going to be enough anyway.  I heard my wife and son getting ready and I wanted to get out and talk to them.  However, I was in no shape for that.  So I let them finish getting ready and move downstairs before I get out.  I dry off and look at myself in the mirror.  I look terrible.  I haven't eaten in days, I have dark circles under my sunken eyes, and my skin is grey.  Lovely!  I throw on some clothes and go downstairs.

            My son runs up to me and says, "Daddy, how come you fell asleep so early last night?  Were you sick?"  I said honestly, "Yeah buddy I was."  He says, "Well get better today because I want to wrestle tonight!"  I contemplate the simplicity of his statement for a moment, smile, and say, "OK.  Thats a deal."  He gives me five and runs out to the bust stop.  My wife just walks by without even looking at me.  She stops and without turning around says, "If you are drunk tonight, dont come home."  The door closes behind her.  I hang my head and the voice in my head is yelling for booze.  I grab a granola bar on the way out and take a bite.  I almost get sick and throw it away.  I wonder how I got to this point.

            I am driving to work and have to make a stop.  I know all the liquor stores, in a 10 mile radius, that open before 8:00AM.  Why do liquor stores open before 8:00AM?  I'm not sure, but I am not the only customer.  I buy a half pint of 100 proof Dark Eyes.  I usually only buy the half pints now.  I cannot trust myself with larger quantities. The lady at the checkout knows my face.  She says nothing.  I get out to my vehicle, jump in, and pull around the back of the store.  I dont want anyone to see me drink this.  I open it up and drink half in the first drink.  Then finish with the second swallow.  The voice is quiet.  I chew some gum and head to work. 

            I pull up in the parking lot, pull out my bottle of mouthwash, and take a mouth full.  I gargle it around for a second and swallow it.  It has 25% alcohol in it you know.  I tell myself its like wintergreen schnapps.  I go into work.  I am feeling pretty good now.  Shaking is nearly gone.  I have some color back in my face.  Most importantly the voice has died down.  I go get a cup of coffee and make some small talk with my co-workers.  I get to my desk and go through my e-mails.  Everything seems in order.  I blacked out the last hour of the previous day and was a little worried.  My boss calls me to her office.  She goes over some things she needs me to do.  I nod and appear to be listening.  However, I am only thinking about which bar I am going to stop at on the way home and how much I'm going to drink at lunch.  She finishes and I go back to my desk.  I get an e-mail from a girl I've been sleeping with. She is hysterical.  Evidently, I sent her an alarming e-mail during my blackout.  I have no clue what I said or promised.  I cleared my sent box, terrific.  She wants to see me after work.  How am I going to work that out?  The voice starts chattering.  Then my phone rings and a client is pissed.  I try to listen, but I cannot concentrate.  The voice gets louder. 

            I get up and go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face.  The anxiety, the paranoia, and the voice are relentless.  I go back for more coffee.  I can feel the people staring and hear them talking.  I dont know what they are saying, but I know they are talking about me.  "Dont you people understand?  I dont want to be like this!  The voice and the anxiety make me do this!  I only feel normal when I'm drunk!" I said to myself.  No one understands.  If they did, they would leave me alone.  I had to get out of there.  I tell my boss I'm sick and must leave.  She has heard that one before.  I have no clue how I still have a job.  At this moment, I dont care.  She tells me to do what I need to do.  I bail.

            I get in my vehicle and speed to the closest liquor store.  Not the one I had already stopped at though.  The checkout girl might think I have a problem.  I walk in and I am shaking again.  I'm nervous, anxious, and low on booze.  I get a pint of whiskey this time.  I go out to the truck and pour the whiskey into an old water bottle.  I drink it on the way to one of my favorite bars.  It meets my requirements, it's close to my house and the bartender on Wednesdays is hot.  I am finishing up the pint as I pull into the parking lot.  I am feeling so much better now.  I walk in like I own the place.  There are two old guys sitting at one end of the bar, the bartender, and me.  It's 10:40AM.  I sit down in the middle of the bar.  I'm not like those two old drunks at the end.  The bartender asks if I want the usual; shot of Early Times and a Miller Lite.  I say, "No, just a beer for now."  I dont want her to think I'm a loser who shoots whiskey before noon on a weekday.  I start talking to her and trying to flirt, but the booze is starting to take over.  I last until 11:15, then I order my first shot.  I remember finishing my third shot and fifth beer, then oblivion.  Next thing I know it is 3:30 in the afternoon, and I'm shooting pool with some guy I don't know.  I go check on my bar tab.  Evidently, I had given the bartender a credit card at some point.  The tab was only $110.  I hadn't done too much damage yet.  I order a couple more shots and some beers and I go back to shooting pool with the stranger.   I black out again.  Its now 5:30PM and I figure I'd better head home.  I drive cautiously the 5 blocks to my house.

            The wife is there.  I try to pull myself together, but I can barely stand.  I stagger in and she looks disgusted.  My son asks to wrestle.  I cant even look at him.  My wife tells him, "No honey.  Were going to grandmas."  He says, "Oh goodie.  Is daddy going too?"  She says, "No!  He has to something to do here."  They leave.  If she only knew about the voice in my head and all of the pressure I felt, then she wouldn't be so quick to judge.  I feel hopeless.  The booze wasn't keeping the voice silent anymore.  How could it have already worn off?  I was powerless and had never felt so alone.  I made a phone call to a guy I knew.  He came and picked me up.  We went to a church and walked down to the basement.  I could smell cigarettes and coffee.  I could hear laughter.  I walked in and sat down.  I didn't understand what these people were doing here or what they were so happy about.  I was here and I was miserable.  They all got quiet and one guy started reading some stuff to us all.  I couldn't listen.  The voice in my head was screaming.  I just sat and pretended to listen.  Then the people started talking one at a time.  I thought, "Oh shit!  Do I have to talk?"  I started listening a little bit more.  Then it was my turn.  I said, "My name is Roman and I am an alcoholic.  This is my first meeting, I'm not sure what to say."  They all started clapping and several guys shook my hand.  "We know exactly how you feel.  You are in the right place." They all said.  The voice in my head quieted a little.  Suddenly, I didn't feel alone.