This is a real story.

The following took place last November, the night before Thanksgiving.  I was a manager at one of the largest grocery stores in Louisville, KY, so needless to say the store was packed with everyone buying food for the holiday.  Normally, I would be out the store by 10 o'clock at night, but since we were so busy I had worked until nearly midnight.  As I was getting ready to leave, I was in the security office looking at the monitors one last time to check things out.  My store had 64 cameras in it and 4 PTZ's (Point-Tilt-Zooms, can turn 360 degrees and zoom in tight). 

I noticed a lady in the electronics section eye-fucking the memory cards for digital cameras.  These things were around $50 bucks a pop.  I was thinking, "Geez lady, don't do it, I want to go home."  Sure enough, she ripped the memory card out of the package, shoved it in her purse, and ditched the box behind the office supplies.  I saw the whole thing as if I had been a ghost standing next to her.  Shit. 

I get out my cell phone and call my LP (loss prevention) guy, who was off work, but he gets 4 hours of court pay for every stop he gets.  So I call him and he answers the phone...

"Hey dude, you want some court pay?"

"Yeah man, you got somebody?"

"Yeah, get your ass down here, I'm about to make a stop."

I keep watching the lady on the PTZ's and I discover she's with another female friend and two children, who were not around at the time she stole the card, and probably had no idea she had stuffed it.  Great, I'm going to have to stop this cunt in front of her kids.  The four of them go to the u-scan to pay for what the other lady had picked up, and meanwhile I take off my tie and put on a jacket so I look like a regular customer.  I step outside the front door, light a cigarette, and wait for the bitch to leave so I can stop her.  In Kentucky, it's shop lifting the moment it's concealed, but our company likes us to stop them as they are leaving the store so that way there is no question in court as to their intentions.  It would have been a lot easier for me if I had stopped her in the store.

I watched through the doors as they picked up their bags and headed towards the exit.  Alone, I flick my cigarette to the curb and approach the woman as she's exiting.  I stand about three feet directly in front of her and I say to this trailer trash skank..

"Excuse me ma'am, would you please step back inside?"

She answers with a defiant redneck shreik, "WHY?"

"You have some of our merchandise, in your purse, I saw you take the memory card, it was in a red package and now it's in your purse, please step back inside."

"I ain't got no red box card or wut ever you wuz tawlkin' about, see!?!"

The lady opens her purse to show me there's no red package in there, of course, I had picked up the package from behind the office supplies, but I did see the memory card in there.  While this exchange is going on, her friend and two kids keep moving further away and closer to the parking lot.  I reach in her purse and snatch out the memory card...

"This is it!"  I say to her as I put it in front of her face. "This is what you stole, now turn around and go back inside!"

She stares at me slack jawed for about 2 seconds, and the shouts, "KIDS GET IN THE CAR!!!"

She drops he bags and takes off towards a white Mustang.  The kids and the friend get to the car first, and the theif is the last one to get there.  I grab the woman by the arm and she yells out, "GITCH YOUR GAWDAMN HANDS OFF ME!"  And as she's running she twists her arm in such away that I let go, and realizing I'm going to tackle her before she ever gets into her car, she runs zig-zag through the parking lot while her friend drives away in the Mustang, with the kids in the back.

The theif runs out into the middle of Westport Rd, one of the busiest streets in Louisville.  While she was running, I jogged behind her, keeping her in sight, and pulled out my cell phone.  I had the Metro Police saved in my phone, and I had called them earlier that day for another reason, so I hit the call button and talked to the dispatch.  Trying to speak clearly between pants, I say, "I'm calling from *address*.  I'm in foot pursuit of a shoplifter who just took merchandise from my store, please send a unit."  They told me one was on the way.

The lady stops in the middle of the road, and I go out into the road and stand in front of her again. 

I say, "Listen, I already called the cops, just come back inside, don't make this worse on yourself."

"WHY ARE YOU DOIN' THIS TA' ME!!!"  She's freaking out.

"Because you stole from me, that's why, just come back inside, they're on the way."

Then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a huge wad of cash. 

"Look, jus take this money!  Just take it and let me go, gawdammit!"

I say, "Sorry, already called the cops."

Just then she looks over my shoulder at the White Castle adjoining the parking lot to my store, she sees the white Mustang.  She takes off running again while I'm off gaurd and I do everything I can to keep up.  I smoke and drink a lot of beer, so running isn't really my thing, but hell I'm having so much fun at this point.  She gets to the car a split second before I do and opens the door, I reach around her waist to take her to the ground and she says "GETCHA GAWDAMN HANDS OFF ME!" again.  This time she spins around and pops me in the face.  Momentairly stunned by it, she gets free of my grasp and jumps in the passenger seat and shuts the door.  Yeah, I got hit in the face by a chick, great, go ahead and make fun of me.

They would have been able to take off right then and get away, but the stupid skank driving the Mustang had pulled into the drive through, with a car in front and another car pulled in behind, so they couldn't go anywhere.  I think this is funny and start to laugh while the bitch inside gives me an evil look.  Just then, the LP I had called for court pay comes running up.  Where the hell was he?  I also look behind me and several of my employees are standing on the sidewalk watching all this go down. I felt like yelling at them to go back to work, but then again I was having fun, so no harm in them takning a break, right?

At this point, I tell the LP what happened while the four people sit in the car.  My LP says, let me talk to them.

My LP convinces the lady to get out since the cops will be there any second, and we have the Mustang's liscence plate number.  So it's either she gets out and comes inside or they're all in trouble later.

The lady gets out, and she looks at me and says, "GIT HIM OUTTA MY FACE!!!  I DON'T WANNA SEE HIM!!!"

Eventually the police do arrive, and it's the same two police officers I had talked to earlier in the day when a couple of teenagers came into my store and I cought them stealing boxes of condoms.  They ran the lady's info and found out she had a bench warrant for her arrest in Indiana.  She had commited a felony theft at a Meijer in that state, and never appeared in court for it.  Stupid redneck skank.  I told the officers the whole story and they told me if I really wanted to get back at the bitch for hitting me, to go down to the police station and file an assult charge for her hitting me.  That way her misdemeanor shoplifting charge (less than $300 in KY) would be bumped up to 2nd degree robbery.  Awesome!

I go to the police station the next day and tell my story.  The lady taking notes laughed her ass off.  My LP went to court for her and got his court pay for "making the stop" and he told me she got 2 months in prision in KY thanks to my charges, and then 3 to 6 months in Indiana for her other shoplifting charge.

I wonder if they serve turkey in prison?