Met a nice girl. Real sweet. We like, made out and stuff. I think her name was Jessica or something.

Cool.

I call her to talk and to firm up our tentative plans for the weekend. I wanted to keep the conversation short because we had spoken for 20 minutes the night before and I don't want her to think I'm about to be her next boyfriend.

Nothing against that. But, c'mon, I haven't even sampled her Fun Dip yet!

I'm in no rush to get to the Fun Dip, but I'm not going to give a girl all my time until I know the Fun Dip is uh, fun.

You know what I mean? Because some girls take all the fun out of the Fun Dip. It's like you're at the pool... yay! But then there's this big sign listing all the Rules & Regulations: No Diving, No Running, No Splashing, No Peeing.

Some of these lame girls should post a similar sign in their bedrooms:

Bedroom Rules & Regulations:

- No hair pulling - No outfits - No I won't swallow - No commenting on the action, no matter how hot, wet, or tight it may be - No unsportsmanlike conduct such as excessive celebrating in the End Zone - Keep quiet, some people are trying to pretend that you are their ex-boyfriend Carlos - Please observe the strict 10 minute time limit so I don't miss CSI: Miami - Hurry up - Get it over with

Anyway, back to the point...

I call the girl and it's cool. She's really easy to talk to... and when I say "talk to" I mean "listen to." Because she will not pause long enough to allow me to say anything! She's talking non-stop. At one point I got confused because I wasn't sure if I was on the phone or listening to AM radio.

I was expecting there to be a break for a traffic and weather report.

I don't know what she loves more: the sound of her own voice, or the sound of me listening.

Now I'm thinking, "How can I get off the phone gracefully?" I don't want to hurt this girl's feelings.

Then I hear it... a natural out!

HER: So for dinner on Tuesday night, I ate chicken salad...

ME: Wow, you're making me hungry! I'm gonna go out and grab some food. It was great talking to you.

HER: Oh. Okay. Get something healthy because my aunt eats so unhealthy and she wonders why she...

Dammit!

This happened 7 times. 7 times I had a graceful way to end the conversation and 7 times she sucked me right back in it!

Now I'm getting desperate.

ME: I gotta go! The house is on fire!

HER: Oh my God!!!! That reminds me of the time I got sun burnt at the beach. I should've worn an SPF 30 but I was like, ya know, maybe 15 will be okay and...

I was so bored I started keeping a list of...

TOPICS COVERED: * the Third Eye Blind concert she almost went to in 1999 * her co-worker Tracy is a real bitch * her dad really enjoys eating avocado * her dog has a cold

Ninety minutes later... I can finally hang up.

Holy crap! 90 minutes? What am I? A teenager?

Now, I've had GREAT conversations with girls that last an hour or more... but during this conversation I spoke for a grand total of 5 minutes. In football they keep stats on Time of Possession. I lost that battle 85-5.

So now I take a deep breath and as I slowly exhale to relax... my phone indicates a text message.

It's her.

She continues the conversation.

Apparently there was something she forgot to say.

Most of you out there are thinking I'm going to break my date with this girl. And you'd be 100% wrong.

Do you realize how much time I've invested in this girl? All I have to say is that the sex had better be amazing.

So where should I take her on the date? I have the perfect place. The movies. Because she can't talk there.

If somehow this goes past 1 date... I will ONLY take her to places where it is impossible to talk.

HER: The movie was awesome! Where are we going now?

ME: The library.

Then I'll take her to a really, really loud heavy metal concert.

The plan is for a Saturday night do-it.

Foreplay to the Do-it:

ME: Go down on me.

HER: You like that, huh?

ME: It's okay. But it's mainly to keep you from talking.

HER: You're funny!

ME: Imagine how funny I am when I'm joking!

Making sweet intercourse:

ME: I want to see how kinky you can get.

HER: Oooh! I like to get naughty. You want me to discipline me?

ME: Something like that. I want to role-play.

HER: I love that! I have a nurse's outfit!

ME: No. We're going to play hostage. Sit down in this chair. I'll get the duct tape.

HER: For my wrists?

ME: For your mouth.

HER: You're funny!

ME: Imagine how funny I am when I'm joking!