SO I MET HERKIMERHESS (OR LOVE-MONKEY-HONEY-NIPPLES AS HE LIKES TO BE CALLED) AT THE CHINESE BUFFET.  I NEEDED 3 OR 4 SEATS CAUSE 1 WOULDN'T HANDLE MY ROMANESQUE POSTERIOR.  AS HIRKIMER AND I WENT TO GRAB OUR FOOD, HE HANDED ME A PLATE;  BUT SINCE PLATES ARE FOR PUSSIES, I THREW IT ASIDE AND GRABBED A STACK OF STEAM TRAYS BACK TO THE TABLE.  AS WE SAT DOWN AND STARTED EATING, I FELT GAS BREWING UP INSIDE ME.  I LET ONE GO, WHICH CAUSED THE UNLUCKY FAMILY BEHIND ME TO FLY AGAINST THE BACK WALL. "YOU'RE EMBARASSING ME YOU HAIRY LARDBALL!"  GROWLED HERKIMER.  I JUST REMAINED QUIET AND STARED AT MY FOOD THE REST OF THE NIGHT.  WHEN THE BILL CAME I COULDN'T PAY SINCE I SPENT MY LAST DOLLAR  ON THAT CREAM FOR HERKIMER TO GET RID OF THAT WEIRD GROWTH ON THE SIDE OF HIS PENIS.  HE ROLLED HIS EYES, SLAMMED DOWN A $20 AND WE LEFT. 

WHEN WE WERE AT THE FRONT DOOR OF MY HOUSE, I HEARD A YAPPING, I LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THIS LITTLE BASTARD DOG!  HERKIMER BROUGHT HIM CAUSE HE SAID THAT HE THINKS ITS KINKY WHEN HIS DOG WATCHES.  APARENTLY, I ATE A LITTLE TOO MUCH, CAUSE AS HARD AS I TRIED, I COULDN'T FIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.  HERKIMER LUBED ME UP WITH CRISCO, SHOVED MY ASS THROUGH AND I LANDED ON THE COUCH.  HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME ALL OILED UP AND LAID OUT FOR HIM, SCREAMED "CANNON BALL!"  AND DOVE INTO MY FOLDS!  AS WE LAID ON THERE, HE WAS SLIPPIN AND SLIDIN THROUGH MY FOLDS LIKE A PRO!  HIS SKIN GLEAMING WITH CRISCO, HIS GREEN SPARKLY WIG FLOWING IN THE WIND;  IT WAS A NIGHT OF PASSION!

I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO FIND HE HAD SNUK OFF, AND LEFT HIS LITTLE BASTARD DOG BEHIND.  MY HEART BROKE.  I SAT THERE FOR AN HOUR CRYING.  I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER BY WRAPPING THE DOG UP IN BACON AND THROWING IT IN THE TOASTER OVEN.  IT TASTED GOOD, BUT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.  THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.  I DON'T NEED HIM!  DAMMIT I'M LARD_INFAMOUS!!!  I CAN HAVE ANYONE OUT THERE!  SO IF THAT FUCKER WANTS TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE, HE CAN PICK UP AND DIAL!  BUT HE BETTER DO IT SOON, CAUSE A GUY LIKE ME DON'T STAY SINGLE FOR LONG. CAUSE EVERY TIME A GUY/GIRL  BREAKS UP WITH ME AND MY WORLD IS CRUSHED, THE LOVE BUG CRAWLS RIGHT BACK UP AND BITES ME AND I'M BACK!