On Wednesday, I started to get a butt zit.  It was particularly itchy.  Im not in the habit of having ass zits.  My skin was even clear when I was in high school.  Im meticulous in my hygiene and even floss my teeth four times a day.  I used astringent cleaner on the offending zit and then put some Oxy-10 on it. 

Thursday it had grown huge and painful.  It kind of had a head on it, but it was hard.  Friday it was freakishly large and hard, about the size of a dime.  I continued to wash it and treat it with Oxy-10.  I figured that I was drawing out the zit material with the medicine and thats why it was getting so large.  At this point, it was too painful to sit on.

On Saturday, I knew something was wrong.  Pain from this alien parasite in my ass was such that it could not be ignored.  It was the size of a ping-pong ball and I was starting to run a fever.  I went to the doctor on Saturday morning, fearing for my health.

It turns out that it was a boil from MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus).  The bacteria had entered my blood stream and I was in danger of becoming septic.  The doctor had to perform surgery on my ass cheek to remove the infection.  The incision is huge (from my point of view) at about 4 inches long.  Theyve stuffed this packing into the cavity left by removing the infection and the incision.  The packing sticks out like a muffin top across the whole incision and goes about an inch deep into my ass cheek.  The stuff is called Iodoform Packing Strip.  It is infused with iodine and the idea is that it will kill any leftover infection.

Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus means that the bacteria are resistant to almost all known antibiotics.  Ive been prescribed clindamycin as an antibiotic.  Its about $300 per bottle and is only prescribed when nothing else will work.  Once MRSA learns to resist this stuff, nothing will stop it.  The medicine is so powerful and extreme, the doctor told me to call him immediately if I start having bloody diarrhea or hemorrhage out of my ass.  Im pretty sure he didnt need to tell me that though.  "Hmmm I seem to be spraying blood into the toilet when I try to poo I wonder if I should call a doctor"

The good news is Im now so stoned on percodan that I can hardly focus my eyes.  Since the infection entered my blood stream, Im running a fever of 105 and am alternating between shaking uncontrollably and pouring sweat out of every pore.  I probably should have let them admit me to the hospital like they wanted to, but Im trying to watch my kids while ill.  I go back to see the doctor tomorrow.  Well see what he wants to do then.  He told me that if I had tried to wait until Monday to see somebody, I would have gone septic for sure and possibly died.

I never take dumps in public restrooms.  A couple of days before my ass outbreak, I used the faculty crapper during lunch.  That has to be where I got it.