I've never used sex toys. Unless you count the time I was 13 years old and masturbated to Teela. Okay, I didn't really yankee my spanky to Teela. But I did create a highly perverted story of her getting gangbanged by He-Man, Skeletor, and Optimus Prime.

Isn't that every girl's dream? To be banged by

- A steroid-using freak whose best friend is an Orko

- A guy who hasn't gotten laid in so long his whole BODY is blue and by a

- Robot/truck?

That's all you need to know about the differences between men and women, right there. As children, girls dress up dolls for their wedding while boys smash their toys together in a violent orgy. That's why as kids, boys don't let girls play with them. Because they will ruin our violent, perverted fun!

And girls refuse to let boys play because they will disrupt the tea party with shooting and humping.

One time my mom made me play with a girl at her house. This is what happened:

Girlie Doll 1: Thank you attending my banquet!

G.I. Joe: I am here to discuss a peace settlement.

Girlie Doll 2: Would you like a biscuit?

G.I. Joe: I'd like a pizza.

Girlie Doll 1: You can't have pizza at a banquet, silly goose!

G.I. Joe: What did you call me?!! That's it! I'm calling for back-up!

I dump 12 soldiers, 2 tanks, and a large panther on the table.

Girlie Doll 2: Oh, more guests! Welcome to our --

G.I. Joe: Attack!!!!!

I make furious laser shooting sounds, spit flying everywhere. The tanks knock over the tea cups. The panther is humping everything he can get his paws on.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM!!!! Make him STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!!! He's humping and shooting!

My mom: Play nice! No humping and shooting!

I've never used sex toys because it makes me feel weird. I know it shouldn't. It's totally normal for a man and woman who love each other to enhance the sexual experience with devices that look like a rocket ship... and then plug it into both the wall and the vagina.

Sex toys would make me feel inadequate. It ruins the illusion that I am a total stud. Sure, I know I make love like a disabled monkey having back spasms... but my girl makes me feel like I'm the world's greatest lover.

Anyway, it's better that she doesn't have orgasms all the time. Or else she might get addicted to sex and she'd stop going to work to have sex all the time. That would be very bad for the economy. That's why I don't use sex toys. To protect the American Way of Life. Female orgasms are for Communists!