yeah not what you think...im having a bad night...or just for the moment cuz i have a bottle here that says he wont allow all this bull shit to continue to fuck up my night. and im with him.

no just something happened this evening that kinda made me feel small and insignificant and it threw me back into my childhood. something i try to avoid seeing as how i didnt have the greatest...and not the worst either. we all have our stories but this is mine and ill cry if i want to.

so tonight i got left behind..not purposefully so they say but i find things like that hard to believe when the appointment was sent in advance and multiple relays during the day stated my excitement over the upcoming event. so saying "ohh i didnt mean too" doesnt really take the sharp edge off the cut of telling me you have something better to do.

theres your background to the the feeling im battling at the moment.

back when i was a kid my mom went through husbands...i dont know my dad im sure hes a nice guy or whatever. needless to say none of the men were ever MY dad so i wasent ever anyones "little girl" or "princess" or whatever. and most of them went out of their way to make sure i knew that. so ive never had that feeling of "im the apple of so and so's eye". and its always kinda been my monkey on my back.

yes yes most girls have daddy issues im not saying im original in any way... im venting.

so being told that "you forgot" me isnt anything new nor is it something that doesnt shatter me to pieces...its just part of my fucked up psyche.

back when i was 6 my second dad and father to my little brother told us he was going to take us to sea world in the morning. my brother and i were as excited as two kids could be...he is 2 years younger. we hardly slept and rushed through breakfast, jumped in the car buzzing with anticipation talking about what we were going to see..asking if we could do this or that...normal kid stuff. when we pull up to my grandmothers house (wow this is alot harder to write than i thought) my brothers dad gets me from the car and takes me to the front door. my grandmother answers and tells me to wait in the kitchen, i hear some strong words then the door close. turns out my brothers dad never had any intention of taking me to sea world. my amazing mema took care of me that day as she often did when my mom's men didnt want me around. i go used to it over the years but the feeling of being not part of anything and getting ditched seems to have stayed as a stinging feeling for all this time.

the last guy my mom was with before i moved out at the ripe age of 15 was a real class act. he is the father of my youngest brother (by 7years) my other brother moved back with his dad at this point so i was my moms only piece of luggage at this time. he would take to locking me in my room as soon as i was home from school, my dinner was served aftter the family had eaten, "family hug" was yelled but i was not to be included, and family trips were taken based upon when other friends of theirs could watch me while they were out of town.

and i know this isnt the proper forum for all this whining on my part but i had to let it out...the demon was becoming dark and hungry for me to give in. but now that i wrote this tiny bit of my life down i can move on understanding that i have a problem when people leave me behind and i know where it stems from. i think its why i read so much...my own personal pleasure that wont get up and leave.  it happens alot but i think its because i get used to it, kinda like when you break an arm or a leg or trust its easier to do it again. that part of me has a permanent fracture