Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other guy says you better get to know him better first.

These two apples are sitting in an oven.
The first apple turns to the other and says, "Gee, it's
pretty hot in here dontcha think?"

The second apple looks at the first and screams,
"OH MY GOD! A Talking Apple!".

Two guys were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One guy says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.

There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

heres a long one...
three people are in hell talkin to satan about why they are there...first guy cheated on his wife with anything female...so the devil shoves him in this room with 100 naked women that want him. "you gotta stay here for 1000 years. the guy runs in screamin woooooooohoooooo!!!
the second guy was a glutten, really huge!! so the devil shoves him in this room with more food than tubsy has ever seen, he tells him that he has to remain for 1000 years. so fatboy sludges his way in there with fork in hand and a grin.
the third dude is a stoner, so the devil throws him in this room with dank buds ceiling to floor, everything from reggs to purple haze to blue dump truck to white rhino. not only that but he spots the nicest glass bong collection he has ever seen!! he has to remain for 1000 years. stoner says....cool
1000 years goes by
door 1 opens and a man covered in lipstick looking like hell comes running out and says im done with women, keep them away from me...theres a such thing
as too much!!! door 2 opens and fatboy isnt so
fat anymore. "i havent eaten for 300
years and i dont want to ever again."
door 3 opens and there is our stoner buddy,
sitting in a corner shivering yet sweating,
his whole body shaking. he looks up at the
devil and says "dude, you got a
lighter??"

So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."

"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is yourasshole in prison."

there you go sorry if this seems pointless to you