How to Poo at  Work

We've  all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in  
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much  as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For  those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking  a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING*  When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the  
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't  know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop  until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make  sure the smell has left
your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting  out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If t  here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not  to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch  you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips  out while taking a pee or forcing a poo in a
stall. This is usually  accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an  escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are  a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did  
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all  involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.  

*JAILBREAK* When  forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is  usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should  
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the  bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.  

*COURTESY FLUSH* The  act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits
the water. This  reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from  the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the  bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in  and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell  does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.  

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER*  A colleague who poos at work and is Doggone proud of it. You  will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a  newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for  the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)*  A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency  pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the  whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.  

*SAFE HAVENS* A  seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect  visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will  reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who  does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door  open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can  occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall  until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable  eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH*  A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom  
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or  to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in  conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle  toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are  occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is  occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately  so the pooer can poo in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poo that  creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an  embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a  diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of  diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE.

*The  Gagger* This is when  you hear a person enter the bathroom and they immediately start coughing  and gagging. This usually leads to puking in the mouth. A proud moment for  any pooer.

*The  Show and Tell* Some dumps  are too glorious not to show others. Much like a mother is proud of her  offspring, a “show and teller” has to share what they just gave birth to.  **Remember, there is a minimum size of 3 Katie Courics to do so**  

*Mud  Butt* Usually  follows the classic condition known as the “itis”, your ass-hole feels  like how a mud pot in Yellowstone looks like.


*AUNT  BETTY* A bathroom  user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths  of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
AUNT BETTY  makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always  wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as  
the other bathroom attendees



SOME VARIETIES OF POO YOU SHOULD  BE AWARE OF

The King Poo = This kind is the kind of poo  that killed Elvis. It doesn't
come until you're all sweaty, trembling  and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poo = You poo so much  you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block  = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poo.

Cork Poo (Also Known as  Floater Poo ) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in  there. How do I get rid of it? This poo usually happens at
someone  else's house.

The Bungee Poo  = The kind of poo that just hangs off your rear before it  
falls into the water.

The  Crippler = The kind of poo where you have to sit on the toilet  so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang =  The kind of poo that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a  traffic jam.

The Party Pooer  = The giant poo you take at a party. And when you flush
the  toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW  EVERYONE TRY TO GO POO IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOING IS A  NATURAL PROCESS