I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."