It is pretty well known that here in the Seattle area, we loves us some coffee. Besides StarYuk's, every main drag is studded with drive-through espresso stands, many of them 'manned' by cute young female baristas.

In Seattle, if you tell your buddy, "Dude, I'm going out with this mocha chick tonight," he won't assume you're gettin some jungle love with an ebony princess; he'll know you mean you hooked up with a cute barista.

In the last couple years, some of these stands have given up being coy about the fact that they lure customers by hiring nubiles. The wonderful concept of the bikini espresso stand has come to fruition. There are now several places which have their young baristas working in bikinis, lingerie, and for a while, even pasties. That's right; you can order a double-tall while ogling some double-D's. Glimpse some bootie with your biscotti. Get everything but actual pink with your drink.

I don't go to those places. Please understand, I LOVE looking at 20 year-olds in thongs and bikini tops. I am absolutely fine with these girls using their tits to earn tips. Fuck the fat feminists who say these MySpace hotties are being exploited!

I avoid them because the couple times I've been to them I feel like a perv. It's one thing for the 23 year-old guys to drive through in their F-250 while on their way to the jobsight. They can flirt it up and the girlies might even be interested in them but at my age I just feel creepy. I get that strip club feeling.

I wonder how many truly icky, dirty old men make them uncomfortable throughout the day. Do the middle-aged creepizoids actually take their tip-trolling as flirting? I don't want to be the greasy old guy looking at their titties so I make eye-contact. I pay for my mocha, let them keep the coins as a modest tip and leave without looking back, even though they are hot and showing flesh. I'm uncomfortable with the idea that THEY might be uncomfortable. 

Then, as I beat off in my van across the street, I lower my binoculars to ponder insightfully, "Today I made them feel a little more human."