I am awake a 6:30 in the morning again. I can't seem to stay asleep. I have had these crazy thought about my past that have been running through my head for almost a week now.
Thoughts of old friends, parties, girlfriends, good times, bad times,  holidays, speechs my parents gave me, jobs I have had, and anything else that creeps into my brain for no reason. I thought that if I shared some of these snap shots of my life that maybe it will allowe me to put this crazyness to rest. So, here goes nothing.................

  I had the greatest group of friends a guy could ask for growing up. There were five of us. It was Mitch, Jared, Ryan, Bobby, and myself. We had everything we could ever hope for. Everyone of us had a girlfriend, a nice car, and parents that handed us money without asking what it was for. We grew up with silver spoons in our mouths in a manner of speaking. Life was great. I should have took time to stop and enjoy everything a little more. After the summer that I turned 17 the gears of change started to go into motion.

  It was September 17 and I was sitting at my house waiting for Mitch to show up so we sould go out shopping for suits for the upcoming dance at school when my phone rang. It was Ryan on the other end and he was crying. I could barely understand him. I told him to calm down. I figured another girl had broke up with him. Ryan was always a little sensative. He told me I needed to come down to his house as fast as I could. Bobby had tried to kill himself.

  Bobby was having a rough time with life. He had moved into Ryans parents basement a week befor because his parents were always fighting. His dad came home drunk alot andhis mom had become addicted to pain pills. The only time Bobby ever felt safe was when he was with us. He would never go home and I couldn.t figure out why. He didn't talk about his life at home. He would never invite us over. He was very good at hiding this part of his life from us.

 At 8:24pm on September 17 Robert Joseph Wildy died of a self inflicted gun shot to the back of the head. Bobby put a 357 revolver in his mouth and pulled the trigger. To this day I still don't know what gave him that last push over the edge. The remaining four of us didn't know it but this moment was the point in time when we all lost our innocence. Things would never be the same.

 Jared and Bobby were really close. If you needed to find Jared or Bobby all you had to do was call the one of them and they always knew were the other person was. Jared was the party guy when we were growing up. We would always joke around by saying that when he was born he cut his own cord just so he could get to the bar sooner. His family was really upper class. His dad owns a lumber yard and his mother is a doctor. Needless to say Beav, thats Jareds nickname, always had money. This added to the problems he faced after Bobby's death.

  Jared dealt with Bobby's death in a way that is only saw in the movies. He drank to try to make the pain go away but it was never enough. He would wake up and head downtown. He would pick up a 24 pack of beer, I lived in a  little town and they never carded anyone for anything, and after that was gone he would just go get another case. Jared did this for almost five months. Finally when he turned 18 his parents kicked him out. He ended up in the same place that Bobby did. He stayed with Ryan and his family but that only lasted for about a month. Then,one day he just disappeared. No one heard from him. He never called or even emailed us. He just vanished. We figured he needed some time to just be alone but after the first two months of not hearing from him we got worried. One day I went to his fathers work to ask him if he had heard from his son. I walked in and said " Jack do you know were Jared has been because the guys are really worried about him". He told me that he had sent Jared to rehab because he found heroin in Jared's truck one day while he was borrowing it. I couldn't  believe this. I asked him were this place was. He gave me directions to the clinic. It took three hours to drive there but me and my remaining two buddies made the trip. We got there and Jared was standing outside smoking a cigarette. The first thing he said was " about fucking time you assholes show up". We talked to him for hours. He told us that he just couldn't deal with everything and that he started taking heroin about a month after Bobby died. Jared said that he wanted to forget everything and he thought that  drugs would help him do it. Jared stayed there for another two months befor his release. I am proud to say that Beav has got his life back together and is living down the street from me today.

  My other two friends really never went through hard times but their lives changed just as much because of Bobby's death. Mitch ended up going to church on a regular basis because becuase of what happened. He met a girl there. They ended up getting married and having a child together. Ryan moved out and went to college. He said it was because he couldn't stand his little brother but everyone knows it was because he couldn't stand to be in the house were Bobby kiled himself. He now has a degree in sports managment and is currently looking for a new home closer to us.

 As for me, I am currently in school working on my degree in business marketing. I am engaged to a wonderful women and I have my own home at the age of 23. I realized after Bobby's death that you have to make the best of life. I know it sounds corny but it's true. Life is something you have to work at. It will get rough and it will suck at times but you have to just try harder because it is worth it. Trust me.