Inside look into the first roundThe results are in, and the dust has settled. Now, let's take a closer look into our four #1 seeds. Just who are these pieces of shit, and how did they cement their spots atop the brackets? We will also take a look into their challengers, and if there's any hope for an upset.

Northwest Trash Conference
1. Alex Rodriguez

Every time you may to start to feel bad for the dude, he goes and does something else to fuck it up. When he's not slapping the ball out of the glove, shitting the bed during the playoffs - then having the audacity to give his number to a girl in the stands, or taking steroids, you may find him trying to sue his way out of trouble. ARod is a douche bag, personified. 
VS.8. Riley Cooper
This fucking guy must have thought he played in the NHL there for a second instead of the NFL. Don't drop the N word with a hard -er when it's tons of black people's actual job to pretty much legally assault you. I don't care if it's  Kenny Chesney concert or at a goddamn NASCAR event. Great season though Coop!
Prediction: The first rounders are tough this year. However, if there's going to be an upset in any conference, this would be the one. Coop would need all the white power the south has to offer in order to pull it off. I just don't see it.

Southwest Has Beens Conference1. Oscar Pistorious
This son of a bitch would have been put on the list just for being called Blade Runner alone. Then he went and made a statement by killing his girlfriend. The tall-fucking-tale he made up about being scared and walking around on his stumps is what is known as a power move. This dude basically punched his ticket to the finals.
8. Tiger Woods
Oh, Tiger. You had such a great thing going. Super hot wife, all the money in the world, and you were winning consistently. You didn't just slip up once, with say a super model. No, you had a stable full of trolls to bang it out with in cities across America. I wonder how you got caught? Please start winning again.
Prediction: Two guys both in relationships with gorgeous models. One cheats on her (a shitload of times) and the other fucking kills her! Use a permanent marker to write Oscar's name down.
Southeast Never Was Beens Conference
1. Tyler Perry
A perennial powerhouse. Tyler Perry will be presenting mad fucking game this season after an early exit last year. He basically redefined what being a hack is. Very impressive resume this year with a crap ton of complete shit films that appeared to have no discernible plot, including a humorous attempt at being an action star. I was actually hoping that Madea would pop in to make the movie better. That broke my brain for a few weeks. Bonus points for casting Larry the Cable Guy.
VS.8. Adam Sandler
Sixth grade me is very confused and upset right now. We just watched Happy Gilmore in theaters. Greatest thing ever. Plus, Billy Madison. And remember staying up late to watch SNL to see this guy. And those fucking CD's!!! Well CD's mother fucking nuts Adam. Grown Ups 2? Did we need a god damn follow up? I would just like one funny moment out of you man. It's just so disappointing, really. 
Prediction: Ok, this one actually looks pretty even. They both own their own production company, churning out steaming pile of shit, after steaming pile of shit. They both have won Razzie's for worst Actress. Big difference here is that Sandler used to have game. He's has provided us with some sort of entertainment. Tyler Perry has never, and will never. He is a total piece of shit. Easy win.
Northeast Scum Conference1. Larry the Cable GuyFucking legend. All-star. A proven winner. Hell, he knocked Tyler Perry out in the first round last year, before winning it all. Then he went on to get cast by Tyler in some shitty christmas movie. It's no secret I fucking hate the dude. How he became such a commercial success confuses the fuck out of me. He already ruined Pixar movies by lending his voice, and now he is ruining Jingle all the Way, by making a direct to DVD sequel. Um, excuse me, but didn't Sinbad and the little kid who played Anakin Skywalker already fucking ruin that move the first time? I always wonder about the time when Daniel Whitney, a struggling comedian went on stage for the first time as Larry,  and started hollering some nonsense at drunken rednecks and got his first laugh. This is the moment I would choose to visit if given a time machine. A star was born in that moment. Albeit one of the world's shittiest moments. A true low point for humanity. 
8. Verne Troyer
Talk about a world class pervert. Really the picture speaks for itself.
Prediction: No surprises here. In a tournament filled with murderers, rapists, and all around scumbags, Larry the Cable Guy is still the odds on favorite to win this fucking thing. Jesus man, that says everything about how shitty this guy really is. Verne, you are a fucking baby sized adult pile of shit, but you have your work cut out for you. Learn from the champ, and come back next year with new focus.