A few things that old man could have said besides, “I masturbate a lot.”

Adjusting your set, Playing the pipe organ, Batting practice, Pud wrestling, Being your own best friend, Punching your way into heaven, Changing your oil, Roasting your wiener., Cooking some sheet meat, Rolling your jam joint, Dishonorable discharge, Roughing up the suspect, Doing some rapid one-arm pull-ups, Self-whittling, Getting a grip, Emptying the payload, Sending out the troops, Fathering some pleasure, Shaking the thermometer, Firing your squirt gun, Shifting gears, Fist-kebabing, Shooting some seeds, Freeing the willies, Snake charming, Getting your palm red,   Soloing, Going back to nature, Spear fishing, Gunning the motor, Speed kneading, Hitting the batsman, Spreading the mayo, Homecoming, Squeezing out the toothpaste, Honing the bone, Staff meeting, Ironing some wrinkles, Taking a shake break, Junior Olympic pole vaulting, Taming your snake, Knuckling your knob, Threading the needle, Launching the hand shuttle, Throttle the bottle, Lectrifying the cattle prod, Tossing the javelin, Letting some air out of your tire, Tugging your tapioca tube, Manning the cockpit, Tuning the antenna, Mashing the monster, Virtual sex, Measuring for condoms, Visiting Mr. O., Milking your banana, Walking the log, Peeling the carrot, Wedding rehearsal, Playing hand hockey, Whitewater wristing, Spanking the Monkey, Choking the bishop, Slapping the purple headed yogurt slinger, Rubbing one out, Shaking hands with Mr. Jiggle-Daddy, Quality time with Rosie Palm…