I figured I would throw my hat into the ring and write a sex blog. The story I'm about to tell is true, and I can almost guarantee you have never heard it before. If you have heard a story like this before...well, I feel bad for the person this also happened to. Now, I am sitting at 22 almost 23 years of age and I've gotten college out of the way (if you are thinking about going...don't do it) and I've had a pretty fulfilling sex life...at least by my standards. You would have to be completely retarded not to get laid in college. The story you are going to hear is about my first time. The story takes place June 10, 2004. I know first time stories can be awkward...but just imagine how I felt...

For the first part of my high school "career" I lived in Corvallis, OR. Spent two years there and decided to move in with my mother and step father for the final two years of high school in Goose Creek, SC (trust me...spending two years south of the mason-dixon line doesn't make you southern). I had an on and off girlfriend in Oregon that I was in love with at the time and we decided to continue our relationship through until we would go off to college. Long distance relationships are horrible, especially when you are 16 with raging hormones and you think you are in love. Well, senior year comes and goes and I finally convince her to fly out to SC to visit for a few days before we both head back to go to college. She agrees and flies out. Now, my family talks about sex a lot. Nothing is taboo when you walk through those doors...so needless to say, she was a bit overwhelmed by the subject matter that the family would talk about.

Now that I've set the scene...here we go...

We went out that day to see Shrek 2. It's sad that I remember all the details...but it happens when you have minor OCD and a photographic memory. Now, earlier I went out and bought all sorts of (now I realize this) stupid shit. Rose pedals, her favorite scented candle, and I even burned a CD of music that would be "soothing and erotic." What the fuck was I thinking. I suppose I wanted her first time and mine to be special. So we get home from the movie and no one is home and it is about 3 p.m. We decided to fool around a little bit in my room. We are fooling around and my hands are in her pants when I found the magical button that drives all women crazy. That's right...I found the clitoris. It was pushing a button and she just went ape-shit.

She looked at me and said, "Let's do it."

"Wait...what about the candles and stuff???"

"RIGHT NOW!!!" (maybe not yelling, but that's how I remember it)

The point is that the stuff I bought was pointless. Guess we were just going to get down and dirty and not worry about making it special. We had been fooling around for a considerable amount of time and didn't realize how much time had passed. The room was now dark, save for the tv that was on but muted. The first time we started going at it lasted 26 seconds. I know what you are thinking...but we stopped because it was hurting her too much, not because I blew my load. Come to think of it, I had sex 7 times before I actually came once. Odd??? Well...5 mintues later she is ready to give it another try. She gets on top of me (I'm not wearing my glasses and she has ridiculously curly hair which fro-ed out from all the activity) and we start going at it. Right as she hits climax...

*KNOCK KNOCK*

"Caught you two in the act....OH MY GOD...I DID...I did catch you to in the act...HAHAHAHA...David...come see this," says my ever-loving mother.

"What is it hunn....jesus Christ...Kyle...to lock the door, you push the handle in and twist...for fuck's sake."

As the door shuts my mom says, "I told you he wasn't gay...you owe me $20." Just wait...it gets worse...

We decide to get dressed and face the family. I had a feeling nothing was going to happen being that I was leaving for Oregon in 3 days. What were they going to do...ground me? So we go downstairs and my whole family is sitting in the living room, legs crossed, pretending to be civilized. As we walk in the room my mom looks at my girlfriend and says, "Honey...do you know how to give a proper blowjob?" WTF?!? I was torn between being completely disgusted and high-fiving my mom for watching my back. Oddly enough, out of all the sex I've had, I remember this one far more clearly than any other time. And not because it was my first time getting ass, but because ever since, no matter where I'm at or how far away from my mom I am, I still get up right before having sex and barricade the door.