Mother’s Day is just around the corner, so get ready for the yearly test of love for your matriarch by going online and buying something you vaguely remember she might have one time expressed interest in.

Bath Caddy

A bath and a good book are to moms as video games are to children: It’s a free babysitter.

Vinturi Essential Wine Aerator

For when mom’s got bunco with the gals in 15 minutes, and there’s no time to aerate her Jesus Juice the old fashioned way.

Doctor's Prescription Flask

She’s dealt with your bullshit for fucking years. Luckily there’s a prescription for it.

Floral Pattern iPhone Cover

This pattern is scientifically designed to look good for mothers and nobody else. But she doesn’t have to know that.

Real Moms Make Twins T-Shirt

Get this for your mom if you’re a twin. Or get this for your mom if you’re not a twin and you hate your mom.

Mother of Dragons Shirt

Even if your mom has no idea what Game of Thrones is, she’ll wear the fuck out of this.

“Mother’s Little Helper” Pill Box

A whimsical little container for mom, just like mom will be about 45 minutes after she pulls her quaaludes out of it.

Stiletto Wine Bottle Holders

Also can be used as stilettos for wine bottle-shaped feet.

Sigmund Freud’s Introductory Lessons on Psychoanalysis

Help your mother understand what she truly means to you with the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud!

Good luck! Pick the right item, and she won’t even be disappointed that you didn’t make her breakfast in bed. Pick an item wrong enough, and she might even give you motivation to try your hand at living away from home!