I haven’t seen a lot of movies, but that’s because movies are so predictable you can tell what happens in them just by looking at the cover art. It’s always really obvious. For proof, just look at these accurate synopses I wrote for movies I’ve never seen.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: In this movie Indiana Jones teams up with a stubborn old man named Sean Connery who is a reluctant asshole, but he has talents that Indiana needs to raid an ancient cultural monument. Together they decide there needs to be one final crusade against foreigners.

Gold Diggers: These two greedy 13-year-old bitches realize they’re not getting any younger so they go on an adventure to find some pedo with a lot of money. In the end they realize that their friendship is worth a fortune, so they trade it to the pedo for all his money. The secret of Bear Mountain is that it’s not really a bear; it’s just a regular mountain.

Surf Ninjas: Scarce surfboard supply leads 3 surf ninjas and Leslie Nielsen to fight each other for supremacy over the only surfboard that wasn’t stolen by surf samurais. After the surf ninjas chop Leslie Nielson’s torso off, they get along way better and all learn to ride the same surfboard.

Hook: This movie cover has no name or actors but I believe it’s titled, “The Hookening” and it’s about an 18th century prosthetic hand famed for its ability to also serve as a metal cup when turned upside down. It is sought after by an insane, amputee scientist, Prof Klaus, who lost his last hook hand on someone’s car door when they drove away really fast. The movie tagline is, “The hook is the hook.”

Cinderella Man: Russell Crowe is a grown man who lives with his wicked stepmother and stepsisters, but he dreams about being a boxer. One day a fairy godmother appears to Crowe, he is granted a beautiful robe and glass boxing gloves to take to the big boxing match where they just let whoever-the-fuck come and box for the World Championship. Crowe wins by terribly mutilating his opponent with his boxing gloves made of glass, but runs off before Renee Zellweger can tell him how cool he is. All she is left with is one unshattered glass boxing glove, which she goes door-to-door making people try on. She finds Russell Crowe and then they get married and then he gets arrested for boxing with glass gloves, which is against boxing law.

Clean Slate: One dog revitalizes an inner-city community by cleaning up graffiti that looks like romantic comedy box art. The movie is very sad because the dog doesn’t live beyond age 18.

Heavyweights: A movie about four American adolescents who fall well within the normal American weight range. Things take a dark turn when they make the leader of a boy scout troop into a sandwich.