I KNOW I DON'T REALLY HAVE TO GO.  I'M IN PERFECTLY FINE SHAPE AS YOU CAN SEE IN MY AVATAR, BUT THEY SAY YOU SHOULD AT LEAST GO ONCE A YEAR FOR A CHECK UP.  I WAS SITTIN IN THE WAITING ROOM WITH A LIGHT SNACK AND ENJOYING A SMOKE WHEN SOME BITCH TURNS TO ME AND SAYS "EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT THIS IS A NON SMOKING BUILDING AND I DON'T WANT MY SON GETTING SECOND HAND SMOKE! AND HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE EATING CHEESE CHEESE WHIZ OUT OF A 5LB JAR WITH YOUR FINGERS; AREN'T YOU CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH?"  I GOT SICK OF HEARING HER MOUTH SO I PUT THE SMOKE OUT IN HER EYE AND DUMPED THE JAR OF CHEESE WHIZ ON HER KID'S HEAD SO THE SMOKE WOULDN'T GET TO HIM. (I NORMALY DON'T WASTE FOOD, BUT HEY, I'M JUST HUMBLE AS FUCK LIKE THAT)

I GOT SICK OF WAITING IN THE DAMN WAITING ROOM SO I PUTTED INTO THE DOCTORS OFFICE IN MY FAT GUY SCOOTER.  I THINK I RAN OVER A NURSE'S FOOT CAUSE SHE WAS HOPPING AROUND SCREAMING "MY FOOT MY FOOT!"  WELL, THE DUMB BITCH SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN MY WAY!  THERE WAS A GUY SITTIN ON THE EXAM TABLE LOOKIN SAD. THE DOCTOR LOOKED AT THIS GUY AND SAID "IT'S NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK.  IT WON'T BE FATAL IF YOU--"  "I'M NEXT ASSHOLE!"  I SHOUTED  AS I GOT OUT OF MY SCOOTER AND USED MY WRECKING BALL GUT TO SLAM THE GUY OFF THE TABLE AND OUT THE DOOR.  THAT SHOULD PUT THE FUCKER OUTTA HIS MISERY!

I SAT DOWN ON THE TABLE READY FOR MY EXAM, AND TRYING TO CATCH MY BREATH (WHY THE FUCK DOES THAT THING HAVE TO BE SO HIGH UP??)  I HAD TO GO THROUGH A FEW QUESTIONS

FIRST NAME?

LARD.

LAST NAME?

INFAMOUS.

HAVE YOU--

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ON WITH THE EXAM!

HE TRIED TO GET A BLOOD SAMPLE OUT OF ME BUT WHEN HE PUT IN THE NEEDLE, GRAVY CAME OUT!  HE LOOKED LIKE HE'D NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE, BUT CUMMON I CAN'T BE THE FIRST GUY WITH GRAVY IN HIS BLOOD, RIGHT?  HE LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS "YOU REALLY HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR DIET, AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW!"  BUT SINCE I ALREADY KNOW I'M HEALTHY AS A HORSE, SEEING AS I HAD ONE FOR BREAKFAST, I CRUSHED HIS SKULL BETWEEN MY DOUBLE D'S AND SCOOTED OUT OF THE OFFICE. I TOOK THE CHEESE WHIZ JAR OFF THAT LITTLE BRAT'S HEAD AND LICKED IT CLEAN.

NOW THAT I'VE DONE MY HEALTH SMART CHOICE OF THE YEAR, I THINK I'LL GO TO BASKIN ROBIN'S FOR THE LARD INFAMOUS SPECIAL;  TO REWARD MYSELF.