As many of you know I am a new father, I couldn't be happier about it and of course I am making all the rookie mistakes and my son is spoiled beyond even my wildest dreams. My wife only makes the problem worse, she never thinks about money just sees something and buys it then I have to deal with it when the credit card bills come in.

Last Saturday started as many do, woke standing at attention!! Now this particular morning I must have had a really good sleep as I was particularly attentive, really to the point of being uncomfortable. Most mornings I don't really care about a little how ya doing in the morning but today I was thinking well this one could be good. I rolled over and lazily started trying to wake and arouse my wife. She rolled over and shot daggers right through my eyes, had I know the ICE QUEEN had come to our bedroom in the night and embodied my wife I never would have woken her but now I had to deal with it. I tired my usual fun banter and quirky, goofy antics trying to turn the morning around. NO LUCK!

A broken man left the bed that morning. I had been turned down before, many times before but never have I felt so dejected. The only solution my brain could think of was a cold shower, now my head screamed no but the growing aches in my lower stomach said a cold shower was indeed the course of action. Standing shivering in the waterfall I reach for my soap and what do I do, of course run my finger along my wifes razor. Splitting the tip right open and cutting into the nail. I look down and I am a wash in red, crimson blood is squirting everywhere. All over the walls, the curtain, the taps. It was flowing out of me faster then Niagara friggin falls. I jump out of the ice bath and quickly wrap my finger in a towel, not realizing the "FANCY" towels had been put out for our company for later that day. WTF why do we even have fancy towels, it is not like these people are going to be bathing at my house!! I start rummaging through the drawers and locate a bandage, Sesame Street to boot (nice). Crisis averted, at least I thought.

An hour later my head starts ringing. I quickly move to cover my ears only to realize I should have been covering my face. My wife (Currently taken over by THE ICE QUEEN) had thrown a soaking wet, bloody towel wrapped around a large candle right at my face. Squaring my right in the left eye. I start to count the pretty little birdies as her voice chimes in I can only assume to comment on the sudden appearance of such unusual avian visitors. NO LUCK YET!

The yelling continues for a while until I have the fantastic idea that we should go out and spend money we don't have. I know that spending money on our son always makes her smile. I had made the decision before the spousal abuse started to go shopping, but was saving it up as a get out of jail card for when I screwed up, which apparently happened a lot quicker then I had imagined. I saw a fantastic deal in the TOYRUS flyer for a wagon we had our eye on. Could this be LUCK, don't be foolish!

It also occurred to me that even though The ICE QUEEN was hard to deal with, she could come in handy while dealing with the other people we were sure to encounter during our outing. I hate people but can compose myself enough to deal with them, she hates people and will tell them to their face where to go and how to get there! Off to the toy store we go. We manage to get all the way to the back of the store where the wagons are without any hassle, even the boy didn't seem to care that we were surrounded by toys as he seemed to be content pretending to drive that cart (kids are great).

There it stood before us all shiny and nice, very reminiscent of what the discovery of king tuts tomb must have been like. "Hello, is there something I can help you with" some little man in a red smock asks us. I look around through my one eye, the other was a little puffy still and see him peering at us through the isle. "I know you are not looking at that wagon, right. It sold out last night when the sale started" I stepped back, the ICE QUEEN was about to blow and I did not want to get caught in the cross fire. This poor little man didn't have a chance, she was up one side and down the other like a wild badger trying to protect its territory! I had never seen her like this and I actually had to restrain her which proved to be a mistake. Now her anger was focused on both of us. MORE LUCK FOR ME!!

I watched through my one good eye as she got all red in the face and before I knew it the little man was crying, well definitely trying to hold back tears as he packed the floor model into our car!! I don't know how she did it but I have to give credit where credit is due, we now own one shiny new wagon fully assembled and even got a discount for it being the floor model. I knew I married her for a reason. As a bonus and finally a bit of luck, she was so pleased with herself she had completely evacuated the ICE QUEEN from her soul and was as sweet as sugar and boy oh boy did she ever make up for kicking me out of bed that morning. She never did say sorry for trying to kill me with a wet, bloody towel wrapped around a candle, but I digress black eyes look cool and it gives me a good story to tell the boys at work!

EDIT - this was not the blog I wanted to write but it is the blog that came out, sorry about the length!