My buddy (who has a contact in the Adult Cinema Industry and also has a fascination with Brazilian butts -- it's a rare thing for an Asian guy to appreciate a round tan booty in a thong!) hooked me up with a pass to the Erotic Expo.

The best toy they had there was the penis toss. It was a rubber appendage that sticks to the floor and you toss rings on it.

I collected all sorts of free stuff. Whatever they gave out, I took. Promotional DVDs, key chains, flyers, posters, magazines. Most of the booths were companies selling their DVDs. But there was a booth for a law firm! Weird. I thought there should have been a booth for a plastic surgeon. With live models to show off their work.

The scariest thing was when me and my buddies took a wrong turn. The place was a big room with lots of hallways leading to other big rooms. I swear, we went down a dirty alley and wound up in the Gay Porn section! Aaaaaah!  

Huge life-size posters of oiled up dudes. Waaaaaaa! You know in those kid movies when they hit the baseball into the neighbor's yard and they have to get it, only there's this ferocious seething dog? And the vicious dog runs after them? That was us running away from Colonel Cockencrack and the Colon Cowboys.

I was so scared I was running like in the cartoons -- my legs started spinning before my body could catch up. I  took only 1 free DVD.  

But was there a moral lesson to be learned? Yes. I learned that porn brings ALL cultures together. Blacks fucking Asians. Whites fucking Mexicans. Hindus in turbans selling DVDs of Japanese cartoon sex. It was beautiful. It was like a dream. I think this is what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was talking about. Not many "celebrities." Tera Patrick and her huuuuge foobies  (fake boobies) charging 20 units for a picture with her. Yeah right. You know I'm bootleg. I'm gonna Photoshop myself into a picture with her for free!

But that was about it. Where was Ron Jeremy? Where was the MILF Hunter? Was he too busy hunting MILFs? There was a TERRIBLE guy-girl ratio at the Erotic Expo. Worse than any engineering school. The guys who came to this thing were the same guys who go the Star Trek Conventions. I think it must be the same exact mailing list. In fact (I'm not making this up) at the Erotic Expo there were promotional flyers for comic book conventions. Yeah. They know their audience.