So my girl queafed. Made a little fart from her vagina during sex. She got sooooo embarrassed about it.

HER: Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I want it to be a paradise for you.

ME: Baby, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Even the Bahamas get hurricanes.

Sometimes after sex, I like to leave my jammy in her fun-dip. Just let it sit in there as I smile and start to nod off. She HATES that!

HER: Hey! Keep it moving or take it out! It's a dance club, not a lounge!

ME: I'm waiting on line to get into the V.I.P. section.

HER: You don't even know where to find the V.I.P. section!

Thank goodness my girl's vagina is well trimmed. That's nice. Once I was with a girl who's vagina was super hairy. If it was a character in one of those old silent movies, it would be the villain who ties the girl to the train tracks... and twirls its evil moustache.

3 Qualities of an Excellent Vagina:

1 - Does not smell like Canal Street in Chinatown, New York City

2 - Grips tightly around your jammy

3 - Does not contain AIDS

Also, it help if her clitoris is not bigger than your penis. I was once with a girl who had a huuuuuge clit. It was scary. I imagined she peed at a urinal with that thing. She could slap a guy in the face with that thing and leave a mushroom mark. I was licking her fun-dip and that thing got hard-on and gave me a black eye. Yes, she got a clit-boner. Now guys, remember, the most important thing about a vagina is the woman (or goat) to whom it is attached. No matter how excellent a vagina may be, if it comes with a yammering, nagging woman (or goat), you are making a mistake to imbibe its meat-hole milk.

Wow. That's the most disgusting phrase ever.

In other words, guys, don't fall in love with the pussy. Many guys do. We don't want to admit it. But we do. Our incredible inability to pick up chicks leads to us staying with the 1st one who gives up the fun-dip on a regular basis. She becomes our crack* dealer.

* The vaginal crack

She is our only supplier. And you know how supply and demand works. Our demand rises. We've tasted her crack. Smoked it. Maybe even snorted it -- if you're freaky like that. And she knows you can't get it from anywhere else. The price just went up. Now you're holding her purse. Which is just as well, because that's where she keeps your amputated balls. You can't hang out with your friends. You're a pussycrack-head. Pathetic. I love spring time . All the hot girls come out to play. Their vaginas are just waking up from a long winter's hibernation.

VAGINAS: Yaaaaaaaaaawn!

Their little labia arms stretch out. After a long sleep, they are ready to say hello to the world. Spring time. Or as many girls call it: Time to shave my legs. But back to vaginas. My girl was being playful. You know how you can call a vagina different silly names? Like: weeping willow, hairy clam, the snack bar, Oval Office... So she calls it something that just threw me off. We're naked, she opens her legs and...

HER: You may enter my chamber.

ME: Um... no. That sounds spooky.

Now all I can think about are ghosts flying out of her twat and chains rattling. Sorry baby, but my raven won't be tap, tap, tapping at your chamber door. In summary:

* Choose your vagina carefully.

* Make sure it does not contain AIDS or razor blades.

* Consider the woman (or goat) to whom it is attached.