I had the luck of having almost every important adult in my life work in the Michigan State Prison. One was actually the third in command, which is actually kind of impressive. Anyway, since I was reading the blog "Things not to shove up your butt," or whatever it was, naturally, the first thing that pops into my head were prison stories from my mom and dad. A few gems:

A man comes to the infirmary, saying he cannot pass a bowel movement. They give him some laxatives, and he comes back in an hour, saying the same thing. They keep giving him these laxatives, and finally monitor him, when they notice something protruding from his rear end. Yes, it was a lightbulb. His claim: it was on his bed, and he "accidentaly" sat on it after a shower. wtf.

The man I spoke of earlier is actually proud to admit he has never seen a prisoner cut his dick off. My other family members, unfortunatley, have. Appartently its most common in the prison for an inmate to cut his dick off, suck it, then eat it while either pretending to be their mother, or doing it because their mother told them to in a dream. Again, wtf.

Another classic: A man in the psych ward decided he'd had enough of the average prisoners life. He ripped out his own eyes with a spoon. What a gentleman, he even offered them to a guard in his coffee mug.

And finally, the coup de grace

The most epic prison story ever told. Everyone I know in the prison business remembers this day. This incident directly inspired a film, though i have no idea what the movie is, nor when it was made. However, because of this incident there have been many changed. A man was serving life, but still in contact with his woman. He convinced her to hire a helicopter tour of some sort, and while on board, she held the pilot hostage with a knife, and made the chopper land directly in the prison yard. The guards had no idea what to do, since it could be anyones chopper, and they didnt wanna go shooting it down. The chopper took off, carried the guy about 40 miles with police following, and eventually landed. They found the man either in a bar or a park, (answers vary) later that day. Imagine that.