I'm not going to wander off into some political, paranoid rant about how the government and corporations enslave us sheeple into some bastardized capitalist regime that only benefits the most affluent of our society.  I'm not going to talk about martial law, the illuminati, or any conspiracies regarding alien reptiles controlling the government.  I won't even get into the "humans are hurting the environment" speak that is usually included in many of my blogs. 
Today, I'm going to talk about Don, and what he has inspired me to do.    For those of you who are unfamiliar with me and my tl;rd's, I work for a company that processes steel pipe for natural gas drilling and fracking.  In the company, I started as a heavy equipment operator, and gradually was promoted to Inventory Control.  With it comes a lot of responsibility and in my case - stress.  I hate the industry, I hate the company, and I hate a lot of the people I have the pleasure of spending most of my time with.  I shouldn't, because it's a high paying job, with medical benefits, gainsharing, and company RRSP contributions.  We'll get into that more later.
I have "assistants", which are usually people who come from one of the major temporary staffing agencies where I live.  I'm like a boss, in that it's my responsibility to train and assign entry level tasks that I simply do not have the time to do.  I never wanted to be a "manager", but that's kinda how things turned out.Don only worked for me for 3 weeks before a major layoff recently occurred (after gas prices plummeted below a dollar/L).  He's twice my age, far more educated, and simply a ball of optimism.  Although it was great to have him around - as it is to have any very overqualified person helping you, it was also pathetic. Here's this guy who is supposed to be retiring in 10-15 years, working for a 25 year old who didn't even graduate high school on time.  He was a highly paid supervisor at another pipe manufacturing plant, which used to supply us, until the company was "allegedly" liquidated soon after the company was purchased by a Chinese corporation.  Right now, I don't know if he was able to find another job... hopefully he did, and it brings him more than the min wage he was making as a temp.
Don could be a millionaire by now, but this still made me lose hope for the future.  Despite the flaws I am aware of in the "system", there was always this part of me that believed that if you work hard, and get good grades, you can make it.  It might not make you filthy rich, but comfortable enough to retire on time - if you play your cards the way you were told to growing up.  Don changed this.  Although he was too nice and oddly hopeful to talk about it, he is a prime example of "what if?".   Not the "what if I win the lottery", it's the "what if I find myself in the same spot 20 years down the road, despite how many good decisions I make."   I could do what they say and try and climb the corporate ladder, but what they don't tell you is that there's a fire under that ladder, and the ladder's made of wood.  I want off this ladder, before I'm too high to jump down. 

My biggest fear is wasting my life.  Sitting on my death bed wishing I had done shit differently on a large scale.  Money is appearing to look more and more fake the more I think about it.   An independent, self-sufficient, off the grid, and off the land life is looking more and more promising every day.
Especially recently.  
I don't know if I have any diagnosis, but I recently blacked out during a massive panic attack that was triggered by the mere idea of going to work.  I went to a new doctor I had never seen before, and he immediately slapped me with a prescription for Paxil - which he called "nerve pills".   I take them, they aren't working, and instead I have this overwhelming dread of something I can't quite put my finger on.  I don't want a band-aid, I need something or someone to address the cause of this chronic shitty feeling and all too frequent meltdowns.   There's massive internal conflict just surrounding this medication thing. It just doesn't feel like a real solution.
It feels like I'm being made to fit a pair of jeans that are just too small for me.  Instead of getting a larger size, I've decided to struggle to lose weight.   There's probably something wrong with the chemisty of my brain, but I have never been able to shake the feeling of alienation, even in my most happiest of moments.   I've written about animals in the zoo before.  Some species simply do not thrive in captivity, even when provided everything needed to survive, including shelter from illness and predators that wild animals do not have.  Some animals simply stop eating, breeding, or simply die, and it's all due to "stress".  
There's a part of me that thinks I'm sick - that I'm not normal because I hate the job most would do anything to have.   Some would call me stupid and may even be insulted to learn that I would give it all up, and that I'm purposely planning on it.   There is guilt and remorse for these feelings.  I know there's really oppressed people in this world who couldn't fathom a life as "good" as mine, let alone achieve it.   I wish not to take pity.  I just know that I don't belong amongst the herd, and no amount of drugs, and especially money is going to change that.
While I'm connected to people and certain resources, I'm planning a massive lifestyle change.  I want to live in a small cottage, maybe even build a small cottage, in an isolated and secluded area of the Canadian North.   Somewhere without roads, hook up to the electrical grid, or city provided water and sewage services.  I really want to live in a way where I do not rely on any organization or corporation to live.  Although modern conveniences are well, convenient, I'm not willing to trade my happiness for a paved road to Walmart.   I'd rather give up fast food than continue to work a job that doesn't leave me enough time to cook a decent meal at home.  I want tangible reward for the work I do - not digits on a screen that always tell me there isn't enough.  Money has been fake since we switched from gold to paper anyway.
What I plan to do will not be easy.  I don't picture myself on a huge dock on a still lake sucking back beers.  I picture myself in a situation where if I don't do the work - I don't survive.  I've considered the long land-locked winters, black flies, and having to fend off bears so they don't eat all of my food that I hunted for and gathered for the winter.  I know that an ambulance will not come get me if I seriously hurt myself.  I'll be shut off, and left to fend for myself... and I can't wait.
The plan is already in motion.  While I work where I work, I've been sucking in the RRSP contributions and putting everything I can afford to into savings.   I am exploiting my proximity to civilization by acquiring tools and equipment that I know I will need.  This summer I plan to learn how to grow food in an unused plot of land next to my house.  There's only two people in my home, so I've been learning how to preserve food for long term storage through pickling and freezing pre made meals.  I know how to fish, and have everything I need for that.  Next would be learning to trap and hunt, and acquiring the guns and permits.  I have an above average aptitude for mechanics and construction, but I will have to learn more, and how to apply those skills with limited resources.  I've been pricing out plots of vacant land in areas I wish to live, along with properties that have existing but limited structures.   
My ultimate goal would be a life where money is meaningless, and unnecessary.  I wish I could just cut off clean, but I have a few more years of playing the game before I can be anymore closer to that.
The hubby is totally on board, and I simply can't wait! 


I need to learn so much though.  I'd like to get in contact with people who are already living my dream, or something close to it.   I want to research all that I can, so if you're still reading and know of anything that might be helpful, please let me know!