"Write drunk, edit sober." - Ernest Hemingway

-A good way to tell whether or not you're actually sick or if it's all just in your head is to try and think about how you'd react if you went to the doctor and he told you there was nothing wrong with you.  Would you be relieved, or would you be frustrated because you know deep down there's something wrong?  Sometimes you just know it's not an overreaction to the symptom checker on Web MD.

-Just had a dream that I was walking around a quiet party with a copy of the children's book "The Polar Express".  A Russian man approaches me in broken English that it's his.  I say "No, I brought this with me." After going back and forth a minute, another man approaches us.  Turns out he's also Russian.  I explain the situation to him, thinking he'll back me up.  He doesn't, and says "No, this is his book."  I move to leave, and the first Russian man starts grabbing at me, trying to make me give him the book.  He follows me halfway up a small staircase before I Sparta kick him down the stairs.  He's out cold, and I make a run for it outside in the snow.  I'm moving incredibly slow once I get outside for some reason, and I suddenly hear a door slam and footsteps behind me in the snow. I'm terrified he'll catch me and perform retribution for kicking him down the stairs.  I no longer care about the book.  Then I wake up.  My bizarre dreams are stressing me out.

-You know you're at least a borderline misanthrope if you're accustomed to blasting the heat or air conditioning in order to make any visitors uncomfortable and less likely to hang around.

-I think many man-haters and women-haters are just recovering from being royally fucked over from members of the opposite sex.  Anyone that's been burned in such a fashion and doesn't become sexist probably has the benefit of having upstanding friends or family members of the opposite sex that remind them that they aren't all that bad.

-Why does eBaum's even have a "remember me" check box when you login?  It must have Alzheimer's, because not only does it make me do this every time I start my browser, it also seems to think I care to get an update whenever I reply to my own comment.

-I tried to extend the olive branch, and he threw it back and aimed for my eye.  For the first time in my adulthood, I didn't try to hide or suppress my disdain for another human being.

-Top 5 annoying things my friends post on Facebook: 5. Attention whoring, ambiguous "poor me" statements, that they insist they don't want to talk about in the comments underneath.  4. Passive-aggressive rants at individuals who "know who they are".  3.  Political/Religious/Conspiracy videos the guarantee will change the opinion of all who watch it.  2.  Constant proclamations of love for their crush/significant other.  1.  Gross injury/skin growth pictures.

-Don't go running errands wearing a solid-color polo shirt if you mind being asked "Excuse me, do you work here?" over and over. 

-Beginning of "Up Above It" by NIN sounded different if you were wearing your headphones backwards, because it would reverse the parts you would only hear in the left or right earphone.  It was disorienting, therefore making it sound like it had a different rhythm, like the vampire effect in art makes colors look different.

-Hot chicks are the most logical and realistic when it comes to what they can eat and not gain weight.  They are most illogical and unrealistic in every other category.

-I remember the only time I'd ever intentionally tuned into TRL was when I'd heard the Darkness was going to be on. There were about three people standing outside the window, as opposed to the thousands that would be out there for the Jonas Brothers. It was then that I knew that young America's taste in music had officially flat-lined.

-Anyone behind a log truck on the highway passes it immediately.  On a single-lane road, they fall way back.  Even a regular semi with a rusty-looking undercarriage makes that "Final Destination" vision pass through everyone's mind.

-I don't know who's more annoying on X-Box Live:  Those girls who say things like "Yes, believe it or not, I am a girl who is also a gamer," or the horny adolescents that validate her by saying things like "Oh my God, a girl that plays games?  That's so hot!  Do you have any pics online?"  I came to play, not to listen to your flirting and shameless pandering for a cyber sex session.