-I nearly grabbed a handful of pistachio shells and chomped down hard on them, because I forgot I had discarded them in an empty parmesan goldfish bag.  Thought I stumbled upon a forgotten treasure;  The same feeling you get when you find a bill, no matter how small, in a jacket you haven't worn in eight months.

-Idealism is the unwillingness to bargain with the harsh realities of life

-Holy shit, blowing and sucking on the exact same part of a harmonica produces different notes! (epiphany while listening to "Take the Long Way Home" by Supertramp)

-A scab is a scab, unless it's inside your nose.  Then it's a booger.

-The eccentric  billionaire that says things like "I like you kid.  You're wiry, and I know the wiry ones work the hardest,"  seems crazy, until you remember  that it's unusual instincts like that that made him rich.

-Overseeing production of the turd-shaped boulders for the AFX race car track playset rock hazard; Yes, somebody in China actually has this job.

-A student is given an expulsion from school not because it's the most appropriate level of punishment, but because the faculty is absolutely done dealing with him.

-Orange and Orlando Bloom are synonyms.

-If a porn link shows up randomly on a woman's Facebook wall, everyone assumes shes been hacked.  If a porn link shows up on a man's  Facebook wall, everyone assumes he accidentally hit the share button while whacking off.

-If I ever get the urge to try auto-erotic asphyxiation, I'll write a suicide note first, just in case.  Suicide is less embarrassing than wanking to death.

-Most kids have that one word they can't pronounce, but they're sure its everyone else that's mispronouncing it.  I wonder if one of the ways that misconception is developed is when they hear one persons accent, and apply that accent to someone someone else says, because they remind them of the person with the accent.

*Sober Author's Note - "lolwut?"

-Girls who are uncomfortable with confrontation will often bring a friend along to give them courage when facing problems.  Unfortunately, what she sees as moral support is seen as a gang-up by everyone else.

-When I was little and pointed a toy pistol at my Dad, he put his hand up and told me to never aim a gun at someone, even if it's fake.  Then, I thought it was about respect.  Now, I think he may have been trying to prevent me from accidentally being shot by a cop.

-I wonder if the term "spick n span" has racist origins.  With the number of Latin house maids, it's very possible.

-Everyone always tries to find the right thing to say whenever a friend is in pain.  There's no way to not sound cliché and insulting doing this, so its best to just get them a beer and put an arm around them.

-I hate the song "Splish Splash, I was Takin a Bath".  It's stupid enough by itself, but hearing it also makes me instantly visualize shitty "Americas Funniest Home Videos" montages of kids with shampoo mohawks pulling cats into the tub with them.