revenge is all i have left after the buzzards have had their fill, but even that is an impotent fantasy. justice and karma have failed me, fairness: a childish conception; laughs at me.

revenge is a two sided coin, to take it i lose all that i have, to not take it i live with all that i have: the pain, the anger. the equilibrium of life broken, hypercritically turning death to life and life to chaos...

in my mind the perpetrators die a thousand agonising deaths, their tortured souls endure my wrath long into infinity. my knifes cut deep into their flesh releasing the anger from myself into them, the act taking away my pain and the darkness.

the agony is the reality that the pain will not be released by my revenge, that there will be nothing left to aim my hate at; only myself.

so i play it over and over in my mind, the hate and the revenge, the act and the afterwards, the impotence of my revenge and the journey back to the start again. round and round like a rat in a maze with no cheese.

only in my realisation that i do not need to be that rat and there is no cheese at the end of this maze, that i can stand up as a man and say 'i do need that revenge. i never did this to me, i never asked for it. it is not my shame for receiving it; it is theirs'