Indiana Jones 4 and the Kingdom of Suck My Nuts

I honestly thought the first 20 minutes of the movie were some kind of parody, like he was watching some cheesie rendition of Indiana Jones. You know, like Austin Powers at the beginning of Goldmember. But the shittiness just went on and on and on.

If you watch this movie with any expectation other than to see Indiana Jones for 2+ hours, you're going to be fucking disappointed. Suspension of disbelief is impossible here, you might as well close your eyes and say "LALALALA!" throughout most of the movie, because otherwise you're not only going to roll your eyes, you're going to laugh out loud at some of this shit.

Here are 10 things I learned from this movie.

1.) Lead-lined refrigerators will survive a nuclear bomb and perfectly protect anything inside them.

2.) Ants will climb on top of each other in a vertical stack to attack a human being.

3.) Inter-dimensional aliens with detachable magnetic crystal skulls. Great.

4.) It's easy to swing through vines in any jungle, they will arc perfectly and hold your weight. In fact, the jungle monkeys will swing with you to go fight the bad guys.

5.) If water rises in a small room, you rise with it, no matter how fast it goes up.

6.) Waterfalls aren't dangerous, they are like log rides. Have fun.

7.) Russians can reach the bottom of a giant stone cylindrical room with spears and water at the bottom. Indiana Jones needed steps, but Russians can get through this without even getting wet.

8.) Indiana Jones speaks and writes in every language and dialect, be they dead or native to any country.

9.) Magnetic crystal skulls are only magnetic when it is convenient to mention so.

10.) Skinny native indian people are waiting to pop out of everything. They spend their lives waiting for white people to walk by and then they pop out and chase them around a little bit.

11.) The good guys are never ever in any danger. They constantly remind us of this by making quips and laughing during action scenes.

Yeah, my list of 10 things has 11. This movie seriously sucked.

0 stars. Fucking 0.