No, this isn't one of those stories involving hill-folk and Ned Beatty making some truely funny sounds (GO RENT DELIVERANCE!!). Naw, this is about the thoughtlessness and selfishness my family is so popular for.

I went to my mum's on Christmas as I do every year. I normally arrive at about 11am or so. Evidence from previous years has shown that they won't wait for me to arrive regardless of the time I say I'll be there, so I figured I wasn't getting up super early to go over. Anyway, I arrived, knocked on the door, and waited. And waited and waited and waited. Ten fucking minutes I stood outside that door ringing every minute or so. I figured if I finished my smoke before anyone came to answer I'd be heading back home. Finally my sister answered, who informed me that everyone was a little sleepy so they either laid down for a nap or was in the washroom getting ready. Whatever, right. So I stub the smoke and head in.

I sat in the living room by myself for about a half an hour until my brother walked in, clearly just up from a sleep. He (who is about three years older than me and still living at home....that's 30 for any of you who know a bit about me) shows me all the loot he got for the big holiday. Socks, shirts, books, movies, a fucking X-box 360 with three games, and a pile of electronics like audio players (Zune) and a audio recorder (RCA) to record his college lectures onto. My sister, about a year younger than me, shows me her new books and movies and games and yadda yadda yadda...she even got a new fucking Cannon Rebel camera and a pile of software to do picture-stuff on the computer with. (If anyone knows what that shit is worth please fill me in; it looked expensive.) It all seemed very lavish to me, but who am I to complain.

Anyway, mum eventually comes down from the shower and says hello and all that. She seemed in a decent mood, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. We decided to open the gifts I brought everyone and the stuff they got me. Here's the list of what I got people...modest, but still nice in my opinion:

Brother: $50 Best Buy Card, book, CD, movie, shirt, tie

Sister: $50 Best Buy Card, CD, TV-onDVD box-set, book

Mum: $100 Best Buy Card, vase, "smelly stuff" like bubble bath and shit, two books, set of four cups she had her eye on a bit back, random sweets and tea/coffee assortments

Here's what they got me:

Brother: $10 Tim Hortons card

Sister: $10 Tim Hortons card, book with discount sticker still attached

Mum: $15 Tim Hortons card, socks, sweater (wrong size), computer paper, pens, calendar (I think from the bank, but I'm not sure), tin of cashews (By-the-by, Tim Hortons is THE Canadian coffee shop. Its a lot like what Starbucks is to America, minus the pretensiousness and quality of product.)

Now, I don't wanna seem shallow here, as some people get nothing and I should be happy to get anything yadda yadda yadda, but the other two cleaned up and I got a too-small-sweater and some fucking salted nuts!! I don't drink coffee or even go to Tim Hortons ever (boycotted because its dirty and gross), so those things I'll just give to my damn neighbour. The brother got an Xbox 360, the sister got a new fancy lookin' camera, and I got raped in the ass by their thoughless gifts. I even got them some pretty nice things (in my opinion), and this is what they got me.

I know its not about the getting, or the giving for that matter, but rather the being together. Truth is, the entire time there I felt like I didn't belong or was even all that welcome. Shit knows whats up their arses this year, but it not only pissed me off, it kinda hurt my feelings. (Boo hoo Big Bad, right?) Nobody asked me about work, about my hand (I cut about a quarter of it off a few weeks ago in a workplace accident. Don't worry, they sewed it back on nicely), if I've done anything interesting lately, not a blessed thing. They just talked TO me, not WITH me. Loads of fun. I left almost right after dinner, went home to my two cats, and watched a bunch of movies while eating crappy salted cashews.

I now know why people hate the holidays. They're full of selfishness and greed, all candy-cane coated and wrapped up in a deceptively pretty bow. Maybe it will be better when I go visit my father tomorrow. By definition, it couldn't possibly be.

Anyone else have a worse time than me?

Thanks for reading. If you see my mum, brother or sister, please kick 'em in the crotch for me.

-The Big Bad