I love it in the bedroom. I love it on the couch. And maybe it’s trite, but I love it on the dining room table.

Let me be perfectly honest. When it comes to women, I’m only after 1 thing. Food.

But when I buy you a gift, it’s gonna be SEXY. It’s gonna be CROTCHLESS. It’s gonna be an APRON.

I don’t care how you look, as long as you can cook! You could BE fat. Nothing wrong with that! You wouldn’t be mad at a hot chick who couldn’t resist touching herself too much, would you? So I’m not angry at fat girls.

Well, fat bims who COOK. Ever meet a fat girl who can’t cook? Now that’s sad. She’s like a guard dog with laryngitis.

There’s just 1 criterion with me. Ya gotta cook. Single moms! I know it’s hard to find a man. I’m right here. But I’m looking at your kids first. Fat kids are a strong recommendation.

Man, I don’t care about ANYTHING except how you cook. I date any race, creed, or color. I’m EOE -- an equal opportunity eater. Because I get tired of the same type of meals after a few months. I dated a Chinese girl – oh what a set of woks. My spicy Indian girl with her finger lickin’ Tandoori Chicken. You shoulda seen how my Mexican chica handled a burrito. Sexy man. And my Jewish girl from Jersey with her Szechwan Shrimp from Hong Kong Take-Out.

Some girls don’t have skills in the kitchen. It’s not enough that you cook. You need to work it, girl! Get nasty. Talk to me! “I’m marinating! I’m marinating, baby! Is this HOT enough for you?”

You know, tease me. Show me a little potato. Take the steak out the oven – slow down. Slow down.

And I know we’re in the throes of passion, but let’s be safe. Put on your oven mitts.

Man, a lot of girls don’t smell right. Spritz. Spritz! Nah. I’ve only dated 1 girl who got it right. She stopped buying that crap perfume from those chain department stores and started shopping for it at the grocery store. She didn’t douse herself in it either. Not too much. Just a dab of bbq sauce between the breasts. Awesome. You haven’t lived until you’ve licked nipples in hot sauce. Daaaaamn!

I’m not like a lot of guys. I don’t expect cooking on the 1^st date. But I can’t wait forever either. I gotta know if we’re culinarily compatible.

One girl was trippin’. Trying to say, “I don’t cook until marriage.” Everyone knows it only gets WORSE after marriage – not better. Before the wedding she’s cooking for you 5 or 6 times a week – sometimes in the middle of the day too! After you’re married, you’re lucky if you get it 5 or 6 times a MONTH. Then it’s only on special occasions. Thanksgiving. Christmas.

One girl wanted to take me out for my birthday. Oh hell no! I said, “You better get your big ass in the kitchen! I’m not dating you so you can spend MY MONEY that I GAVE YOU so we can BOTH EAT at Red Lobster! Put some love in it.”

Now I have a lot of stamina. I can go for hours and hours. But sometimes I like a quickie. Like right when I wake up, before I leave the house. I just lay back in bed and she takes care of me. Eggs. Pancakes. Oh! Awesome!

Some guys don’t get it. I was bragging about my girl to my friend. And he’s like “Honestly, man, I’d only rate her a 5.” 

“Hell yeah she’s a 5! She cooks 5 nights a week! She’d be a 7 but she takes night classes.”

Some guys don’t get it. “Who needs a woman to cook when there are restaurants?” WHAT?! To me eating at a restaurant is like doing a hooker! It’s just a transaction to satisfy an immediate need. But what about the LOVE?

A restaurant will make a meal for ANYONE willing to pay for it. They’re WHORES! Not my woman. She only cooks FOR ME! But if I find out she’s giving my pasta away – I’ll KILL the man who puts his hands on my woman’s plump raviolis!

But look. After all this, you probably think I’m not romantic. I am romantic.

My list of most romantic songs:

The timeless classic “C is for Cookie”

Warrant’s “Cherry Pie”

And yes, Bette Midler’s, “You are the chicken wings beneath my wind”

 know there are lots of girls out there who like to cook. And right now you’re not with anybody. You’re alone. You’re cooking for yourself. That’s masturbation with meatloaf! No woman should have to eat alone when there’s a hungry man right here!

Invite me over. I’ll come in a shirt and tie and bib. I’ll bring you chocolates and flour. So you can bake me a cake.

You’re gonna like cooking for ME. Mmm, that’s good. Mmm, that is so good. Aaaaah! Huh?

Talk to you?  Damn it woman, can’t you see I’m eating! I didn’t ask you to cook me up a CONVERSATION! Let me enjoy your food. Then I’ll take a nap. Then I’ll reward you with the dick. Then I'll take another nap. Then start cookin’, cuz we gonna do it again! I’m insatiable!

I’ll get your apron and oven mitts. But let’s keep it quiet. We don’t wanna wake up your chunky kids now.