Im tired of dating all these silly girls. Im ready. Im finally looking for a nice girl who wants to settle.

Not settle down. Just settle. For me.

I want a girl whose dreams have been shattered.

A girl whose boyfriend tore her heart out and juggled it as he ran away to the circus. I want a girl whose relationships usually end up with her in tears and him in an orange jumpsuit. I wanta girl whose given up searching for Prince Charming and is willing to settle for Jester Jackass.

 I want a girl with no hope.

This is the kind of girl who will appreciate me. If shes been thrown in the gutter, ANYTHINGS a step up!

Because this is the life cycle of my relationships: U.D.C. Understanding. Demaaaaaaaanding. COMMANDING!

* At first shes understanding. You forgot our anniversary?! Oh, thats okay. I know youre the scatter-brained creative type. Its okay. Would you like to have sex now? In my mouth?

That would be the briefest phase. Next shes:

* Demaaaaaaanding.  I WANT new shoes. I WANT romance. I WANT you to bathe.

* Then shes COMMANDING! She only knows how to start a sentence with a verb. WASH the dishes. FLUSH the toilet. GET out of my apartment.

I need a girl in another state of mind. I need a girlfriend in a coma. Mohammed aint MY prophet MORRISSEY of The Smiths is MY prophet i need a girlfriend in a coma i know i know its serious im not being cruel Id treat her right id bring her flowers every time i saw her but if i forgot one time shes NOT -------- gonna complain. Shed be a real good listener. And so would I. Shes wouldnt mind when my buddies came over. And best of all, there would be a natural conclusion to the relationship:

BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEP. [FLATLINE.]