As a newly divorced woman and someone whose life is a hop, skip, and a jump away from the shitter at any given moment, I am subject to many well meaning, though often misguided, pearls of wisdom from a variety of sources.  How does one go about sorting through the pile of guidance that is spewed by strangers and loved ones alike, separating what works from what worked for that particular person?  The answer:  I have no fucking clue.  Take advice as you take insults: Consider the source and take it with a grain of salt.  You just have to live and learn.  The only efficient way to gain perspective on advice is to either take it or do the exact opposite and measure the results.  I have conducted such research and I am happy to share my findings with you.  From all of my vast 26 years experience, I offer handful of influential sayings that hold true regardless of situation, personality type, financial status, or any other bullshit excuse you can think of.  Enjoy!

- "There are very few fights in a relationship that can't be defused by phenomenal head."  This gem is a work of a woman in the best marriage I have ever seen: my mother.  I have to say that it has ALWAYS worked.  No matter what kind of shit you pulled, a deep, wet BJ is equivalent to 1500 Hail Mary's as far as absolving you from wrongdoing.  So get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and forgiveness will cum.

- "You get what you give."  If you have spoken to me for more than 3 minutes, you probably know that I believe wholeheartedly that fate, luck, and destiny are a crock of shit.  I put no stock into some intrinsic, invisible guiding force that navigates the course of a life.  I believe in choices and consequences.  But I also believe in Karma, although not in a traditional manner.  Karma is a matter of behavioral psychology.  It is Thorndike's Law of Effect in action.  Good consequences breed good actions and vice versa.  Karma explains the occasional delay between pouring your heat into something and seeing any payoff.  It also explains the concept of comeuppins.

- "Never eat sushi on an airplane or in any state more than 6 hours away from an ocean."  From my chef friend.  Trust him on this one.  I spent a perfectly good trip to British Columbia in the john courtesy of airline yellowtail and spent the night in the hospital thanks to a sushi joint in Beckley, WV.  Sidenote: Saki does not kill bacteria.

- "It'll all work out eventually." Thank you Tom Petty.  And he's right.  It will all work out.  Time heals all wounds.  The issues you consider pertinent today will likely be distant ghosts in 5 years.  By then you will have a new crisis destroying your life.  It's not the most helpful reminder in a time of turmoil, but it's true none the less.

- "Cross your arms over your chest when bailing off of a runaway horse." Not only will this prevent broken ribs, it will keep the center of your bra from getting hooked around the horn of the saddle.  This can lead to near strangulation by a Victoria's Secret IPEX looped over a saddle horn as your flailing body prompts the horse to kick and bite at you while running.  Heed this advice and you will never wind up topless in the dirt after a brush with death.

While my normal reaction to advice is to tell the bearer to shove it, these examples are actually useful.  Please make of them what you will.  I am no Dear Abby; I'm just a fuck up like everyone else, albeit an insightful one. 

I'm Sheza and if you can read this, you are following too closely.