Everyone of you has one of those friends who, in one way or another, ruins all of your shit he/she comes into contact with. Case in point: my pal Aaron.

Aaron is a world-class shit ruiner. In the ten years I've know the guy, he has ruined no less then three CD players, a laptop screen,  a DVD player, a car door, a desk, a few computer chairs and countless CDs, DVDs and other small items. What he lacks in trust around items in my house he makes up for in character and friendship, so I've always let (most) of the shit he's broken slide.

Aaron really is a decent fellow; someone you can count on no matter what. He's seen his fair shake of bad luck when it comes to women, so I was thrilled for him when he said he was going to drop by my place to "show off the new lady friend". (His words, not mine.) Apparently, he met her a few weeks ago but was keeping it hush due to past incidents involving old girlfriends. (There's a funny story involving one of his old girlfriends, a very, very, very bad breakup and my car door...but we'll save that for another time.) So to the point: ol' Aaron is dropping by around eight with the girlfriend in tow.

Cool. Lots of time to get the kid to bed before he dropped by, plus the annoying task of removing anything important or expensive from whatever room he would be spending most of his time in. He arrived promptly at eight with the girl, ready for a little meet-and-greet. Now, Aaron has dated a number of ladies of...shall we say...questionable attractiveness. (Toss a pair of tits on the Wampa creature from Empire Strikes Back and you've pretty well got a visual of his old girlfriend.) This time, it seems the ol' boy struck panty gold. She was hot....a rare find for the fellow. She introduced herself, shook hands and asked questions of myself and the ol' lady. We all went to the living room to have a l'il sit down.

The whole time I'm looking at her, thinking "okay....what's the deal with this one. What's her problem?" She seemed too perfect to have fallen for some of Aaron's stupid-ass pick-up lines. She had a good job, a decent apartment and was doing well. (No living in her grandma's basement trying in vain to become an actor....who the fuck does that, anyway???) So, long story short, she was a very nice, attractive person who for some reason or another decided to date, of her own free will, the same guy who I've personally seen drink his own urine for twenty bucks. Good for Aaron; a decade of dating swamp creatures and the mentally unstable has finally paid off. 

Just as the pair were getting ready to take off, it happened. The little thing that let me  know that these two would be together for a long time...and my shit would never be safe again. The lass, upon getting up from the brand-new-six-months-ago sofa, shifted a little funny on the carpet and dropped a nearly full mug of coffee onto our couch and floor. Cold coffee goes flying in all directions (oddly, not a fucking drop hit her white dress....cunt) and immediately starts soaking into everything it touched. She looked embarassed, Aaron looked embarrased, my wife looked like she had shit something large, hard and unpleasant, and I just stood back, smiled and nodded that "ahhh well....fuck it!" smile.

She apologized over and over; I told her not to worry about it over and over; the wife told her it was no big deal over and over; Aaron asked to borrow season two of Bones over and over (way to be concerned, cockbag). After about ten minutes of the apology dance, the two thanked us for the coffee and headed out the door, off to cause unknown amounts of damage somewhere else. I wasn't pissed at the girl...she was very kind and sincere in her conversation...but a small part of me hoped the next time I see her, its at Aaron's place. No such luck, though. He called from the car to set-up a "wicked-awesome" barbeque for Saturday with them and the family.

I can see the fire damage to the deck already. (Just to be on the safe side, I think I'll talk grandma into taking the daughter for the night. ) Maybe I'll keep the garden hose out and turned on, just in case. But, good for Aaron! He's finally gotten over that dry streak and hit big with a winner. I figure his getting ass will cost me somewhere between $100 to $200 dollars a month in destroyed property. All in a day's fun, I guess.

Thanks for reading,

-The Big Bad