I suck at giving gifts. When I am in a relationship I usually give my lady something I need or would like to use.

"Here, hunny, I bought you a sweet-ass propane grill," or "I subscribed to a naked cheerleader websight for you."

A few weeks back I watched a cool video of the WWII video game, Call of Duty. I am NOT a gamer. I'm OK with mindless time-passers like Tetris or Solitaire but when I have to use multiple buttons, joysticks, toggle through weapons, do trick moves, my mind shuts down, but this video showed a zombie mode and I am WAY into zombies. I like stacking colored blocks but I could see me killing video zombies. 

I used to play Duke Nukem and Doom and that was about the limit of my abilities. Redneck Rampage was my absolute favorite, even with the sucky graphics.

What's all this have to do with gifts? Well, my GF, who is the absolute BEST gift giver, gave me a copy of Call of Duty for X-mas. I would have been happy with Tetris Delux. I can do colored bricks.

Last night I tried to play it. I thought I'd play the tutorial a few times to get the hang of the controllers. FUCK. I almost quit basic training. I'm fumbling with both joysticks, R1, R2, trying to aim, reading hints...The Sarge is barking orders at me, "Miller, pick up that rifle...Miller, grab a grenade...Miller, don't suck so much, you faggot, bitchass, Tetris-playing girlie excuse-for-a-man!" I wanted to go Full Metal Jacket on his ass.

I know you gamers are laughing at me but I just want to PLAY THE FUCKING GAME, not have to learn the fingering for a saxaphone...

Tonight I cracked a beer and gave it another try. Basic training went ok (I did it 4 times to get the hang of the controller) but every time I tried to kill me some dirty Japps I got fragged. Bullets were flying, I couldn't remember how to crawl, the hints were too small to read while looking at the map indicator, and the enemy didn't have the courtesy to wait for me to draw a bead on him.

Sarge was yelling at me (and NOT in a nice voice) "MILLER,  get to the bunker at the top of the hill and take cover!!" and I kept forgetting how the controllers worked.

If only Sarge had yelled, "Miller...go build me a wall of stacked, colored bricks..." I would have won me a Medal of Honor.