as i sit here at work with the three headed demon of indecision,anger,and fear tearing away at my mind like a rabid wolverine i wonder why i am where i am. why do i feel this way? i feel ambiguous, uncertain where i will be or where i actually am. why did i make the choices i made? where they the correct ones to make? did i even make them or where they shoved into my face and i really didnt have a choice? so many paths to take, so many outcomes unknown. is there fate, or is everything left to chance? i like to say and think that life is left to chance. chaos rules supreme in nature so why not in our personal lives as well? to me a lack of knowelage is more exciting in many ways. the obvious byproduct, though, is this feeling. uncertainty. whos to know what or where my life would be if i would have just taken one step less, or one step more in any direction. i know this may seem like a frivoulus thing to ponder, a well off man wondering about what is already past and not enjoying what he has in the present. i should be happy, and for the most part i am, but the what ifs, the what ifs haunt me sometimes. in the very early morning, before sunrise when anything seems probable and possible, the what ifs seem so close you could grab them and try them on like a new coat wearing them and seeing if you like their fit better than the one you already have. so many paths to choose from, so many ways your life and the ones around you can be altered. scary yet envigorating at the same time. amazing how your presence or absence in someones life could effect so many others. i dont know, these are just some of the things i think about on occasion. there are days i feel like im completely lost and have no idea what to do next or where to turn. did i make the correct choice? yes.......no. that tornado of indecision, anger and fear still spins inside. i love it and loathe it all at the same time. call me all the names you want, i dont give a shit.