Updated Daily

1.-I wish Google Maps had an Avoid Ghetto routing option.

2.-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I cant wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story thats not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3.-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize youre wrong.

4.-I dont understand the purpose of the line, I dont need to drink to have fun. Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when theyve invented the lighter?

5.-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that youre going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks youre crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6.-Thats enough, Nickelback.

7.-I totally take back all those times I didnt want to nap when I was younger.

8.-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the people you may know feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9.-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldnt work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Todays kids are soft.

10.-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11.-Sometimes, Ill watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12.-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. Ill end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyones laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that Im still the only one who really, really gets it.

13.-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14.-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16.-The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to finish a text.17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brothers Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, Cuz we beat you, and you hate us. Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says Im not book smart, but Im street smart, all I hear is Im not real smart, but Im imaginary smart.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using as in examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my bosss last name to an attorney and said Yes thats G as in(10 second lapse)..ummmGoonies

27.-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid itthanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.33.I would like to officially coin the phrase catching the swine flu to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: Dave caught the swine flu last night.34.-I cant remember the last time I wasnt at least kind of tired.35. Bad decisions make good stories

36.-Whenever Im Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Dont mind if I do!37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38.-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.39.-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where Im from, this shouldnt be a problem.40.-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when youve made up your mind that you just arent doing anything productive for the rest of the day.41.-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I dont want to have to restart my collection.42.-Theres no worse feeling than that millisecond youre sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.43.-Im always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.44. Do not machine wash or tumble dry means I will never wash this ever.45.-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. Theres so much pressure. I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we werent watching this. Its only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?46.-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. Whatd you do after I didnt answer? Drop the phone and run away?47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48.-When I meet a new girl, Im terrified of mentioning something she hasnt already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49.-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when its on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50.-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52.-Sometimes Ill look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53.-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54.-I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55.-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldnt know what to do with it.

56.-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but Id bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3

57. -Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

58. If you see a bomb technician running, keep up