1.

I picked up a guy who was obviously pretty drunk late at night. He was sitting in the back seat and his phone rings and answers it immediately. He then starts openly talking about all the things he is going to do to this girl when he gets to her house. I wish I could remember the entire list of things he said, but it went something like this, “I’m going to tie you up and fuck you until you beg me to stop and then I’m going to cum all over your face.” There was a lot more cringy stuff said which was pretty much just every way he was going to “destroy” her. The best part about the entire thing was every time he said something super dirty like “cum” or “fuck” he tried to whisper it into the phone, but since he was drunk I’m sure he didn’t realize how loud he was. The funniest part of the entire trip he says “Okay I’m almost there, I’ll see you soon baby I love you” and hung up the phone, looks at me in the rear-view-mirror and says “fucking bitches, am I right?”

2.

Was once offered $500 cash mid-ride to let the dude shit in the car while they were driving to his destination. Dude must’ve been in a super hurry, or planned in advance because he had the cash on him and he was like “no stopping, $500 if you just let me do it. I won’t get any on the car at all”. Lo and behold, dude shits in a newspaper and throws it out the window.

3.

Me: What made you move from New Jersey to Missouri?Uber Driver: I joined a cult for 11 years.

4.

Had a Lebanese guy sell 1 kg of cocaine in the back seat to some wired, paranoid white guy, he just kept looking at me and kept asking me “Are you a cop?” I got to admit it scared me.

5.

I once picked up a group of four middle aged asian men who asked me (in very broken english) to drive them from Boston to Twin River Casino in Rhode Island. It was 11pm, and the drive’s at least an hour, but I decided to do it anyway. The ONLY word these four asian men said, throughout the WHOLE drive, was ‘Caramel.’ I shit you not, for an hour straight, these men would take turns saying the word caramel. No laughing. Nothing. Just caramel. They would say it in different tones. They would whisper it. They would say it in different pitches. Sometimes in unison. Sometimes no one would speak for 10 minutes. It was weird man. When I finally arrived, they asked me to wait for them and drive them back but I bounced. Weird times.

6.

My driver once, completely unprompted, told me and my friends about how an older woman (who he described as unattractive) blew him in the front seat.

7.

Once I drove two guys home. And on the way to the first guys house, the second guy received a booty call from an “very ugly girl” (his words). But he was drunk and it was 4 in the morning. So I drop off this first guy (about 10km West from the starting point). The girl really wanted him to come and promised she would pay for the the cab. She lived 16km east from the starting point. So I drove 26km (about 70 Euros) with this guy and she payed gladly. On the way there he showed me pictures, and “very ugly” really was an understatement. Guy was super Thankfull and left me a big tip.

8.

The was actually a Lyft driver: He picked up a group of people that were heading to a nightclub. There was a girl, her boyfriend, her friend, and her boyfriend’s coworker. He dropped them off at one of the biggest nightclubs in the city, but the girl changed her mind before he ended the ride and said she just wanted him to take her home.As soon as he pulled away, she started bawling and telling him how she thinks something is going on between her boyfriend and his coworker. She kept saying, “I mean, he’s allowed to have female friends. I’m sure there’s nothing going on. I should trust him.” — driver basically agreed. He dropped her off at home.Hours later, at 4AM, he gets another pick up call at a hotel. He arrives and sees the poor girl’s boyfriend and his coworker making out heavily on the street in front of the hotel, obviously post-coitus as the girl was in her pajamas. The guy comes over to the Lyft and realizes who it is, and looks like a deer in headlights. He says, “Hey look, I’m just going to request another Lyft.”The driver, of course, has no way to get ahold of the girl and tell her what her sneaky ass boyfriend is up to. I fucking wish I did. He said he just hoped that her friend, who had been out with them at the club, had seen something and could tip her off.

9.

Definitely those early Monday morning shifts, when addicts and fiends are coming down from weekends of binging every substance known to man. They resist the drop so hard, they’re willing to pay anything to get to somewhere where there may or may not be more drugs or alcohol to ingest.One of these mornings, I waited for 45 minutes for a prostitute with a desperate, desperate man. She was coming right back with some booze. The guy was getting anxious, to put it mildly, not violent or anything, but definitely the vibe was weird. He was calling Tinder-hookups, asked to speak to their mother, asked me about if I knew where to get anything… The guy was probably quite well-off and “normal” but he had been doing coke and booze for 48 hours straight.Well, the girl did come back with a six-pack of something. I took them back to where they started, where a third person, dude’s friend was waiting by the door — ready to go to work, the poor bastard. As he waved the couple in, he got in my cab.

Right, I’m off, channel four have to bee keen on this, surely?