1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think
about how you call a dog...'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are in training and undeniably gay.