At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of illegal drugs he was wearing on his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And, being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.